We have so much to be thankful for this year! Try making one of these handcrafted Thanksgiving tablescapes to celebrate our bountiful American values.
- A sheaf of aromatic pine boughs that don’t believe in science
- An empty cornucopia that’s just asking to be grabbed
- A row of cute little swastikas made of rosemary sprigs
- A silver bowl of eggs forced to carry to full term
- A muslin table runner that’s wrongly accused of being a terrorist
- Deer antlers wrapped in fairy lights that are ruining the sanctity of marriage
- Bright orange clementines and white pillar candles shouting racial slurs without provocation
- Granny Smith apples with devastating pre-existing conditions, propped on rustic birch tree slabs that could disappear at any minute
- A wreath of interwoven eucalyptus leaves and hypericum, nestled with gilded pine cones that don’t know the first thing about fixing an economy
- Several dozen tiny Seckel pears arranged by gender upon two separate trays, lest the boy pears try to use the girl pears’ bathroom and destroy the fragile fabric of pear society
- Glass ball jars filled halfway with fresh cranberries and topped with dainty tea lights that, while unassuming to your guests, will burn the whole house down if given half a chance
- A wall of quaint vintage lanterns to prevent Aunt Darcy from reaching across the table and taking the last of the gravy, which is rightfully yours, because you grew up in this house and she’s here from Dayton
- A variety of bumpy, multi-colored gourds arranged on a wooden platter, gorgeous in their God-given diversity, all of their differences somehow coming together to heighten each other’s beauty, heaved right out the window
- A huge, solid gold box bursting with hundred dollar bills that’s all the way at Dad’s end of the table, so much centerpiece that surely he’ll dismantle it and distribute the pieces across the rest of the table instead of keeping it all for his own enjoyment, right? Right?
- A pile of dog shit covered in glitter — wait, come on, hear me out — I know it doesn’t sound great in theory, but don’t judge it ‘til you try it. Put it on the table before you decide whether it’s doing a good job or not. Do it. Put this pile of dog shit covered in glitter in the middle of your table. Just give it a chance. We all owe it a chance.
- A bouquet of newly legal marijuana leaves that may be our only salvation