Dear esteemed literary agent,

I worked in President Donald Trump’s White House and I’m seeking representation for my tell-all book, in which I’ll reveal to the American people the many horrors I witnessed and did nothing to stop.

I’ll show how I was the voice of reason in the Trump administration. I resigned in 2020, as soon as I realized Trump botched the pandemic response and ruined my chances of staying in power.

My book will be THE definitive tell-all about the Trump Administration. It will outsell the dozens of other books by former White House officials because I was especially willing to be a doormat for the president, and I stuck around to witness so many terrible policies.

I’m a sympathetic character. A Harry Potter to Trump’s Voldemort, if you will. When I joined Trump’s administration, it was impossible to predict that he’d follow up his campaign of inane tweets, sexist comments, and racist slurs with lying about the size of his inauguration crowd on Twitter, expanding the global gag rule to limit women’s access to reproductive justice worldwide, and building his xenophobic border wall.

In public, I praised President Donald Trump for his savvy political skills. Privately, I actively supported him as he advanced an agenda destructive to the environment, the economy, and the American people. Sometimes I rolled my eyes when nobody was looking to express my displeasure.

It felt uncomfortable not doing anything to stop the president while he destroyed America. But as a senior White House official with family money and other job opportunities, my hands were tied. So I stood by the president and promoted my own agenda of chipping away at the social safety net and dismantling the U.S. Postal Service.

Now, I’d like to secure a six-figure book deal at auction to edit my legacy and lay the foundation for a potential political run of my own. In exchange for loads of money and exposure, I’ll paint a detailed portrait of Donald Trump’s complexities. For example, did you know that he’s not your average billionaire with daddy issues? (He’s not a billionaire — I’ve seen the tax returns.) Admittedly, at this point, it’s more of a paint-by-numbers than a complete portrait, but at least it’ll be painted by me.

I think a book about severe lapses in moral judgment requires a pithy title to attract readers. My current working title is WAP: War and Peace in the Trump Administration. It’s catchy and downplays the seriousness of the chaos I witnessed, plus it illustrates just how lightly I’ve taken our nation’s suffering during the last four years.

Hardworking Americans deserve to know the truth about President Trump. I’ll give them the truth, for the low cost of $29.95, plus shipping and handling.

Every Former Trump Administration Official