Let me be the first to say that I’m no scientist. I’m not trying to pretend to be a scientist or an expert in a field that I have no experience in. But I am a human, and I am an American, and I’m sick and tired of other self-proclaimed scientists coming out and saying that climate change is real. And I think I’ve finally come up with a pretty good argument that will shut up a climate scientist real fast: If climate change is really happening, then why are there still oceans on the Earth?

Checkmate, “scientists.”

We all took middle school science, and we all know water evaporates when it gets hot. Climate change allegedly makes things hotter. Heat plus water equals no more water. Hot Earth plus ocean equals no ocean. It’s basic math, and I know basic math. I’m not an idiot; you can’t pull the wool over my eyes. And even if you did, I bet it would make me warmer than climate change ever could.

Here’s another stumper. Last year I took a trip to Canada, and guess what happened? I got frostbite. Notice anything odd about that? Frostbite. I got frostbite because I was too cold, aka the opposite of being too hot. Back then I was a believer, thinking that the Earth might be warming, but after that harrowing experience I can promise you I’ll never believe the scientific press again, nor will I continue to walk barefoot around Winnipeg.

We’re living in a world that follows the words of scientists blindly without truly questioning them. The other day I was given a drink in a compostable cup made from corn. Are you kidding me? Corn needs sunlight to grow, sunlight that conservationists are all too worried about having too much of. Whose side are you on, people? Also, I’m not putting my tax dollars towards stupid plant cups. To make a point I threw the cup in a landfill anyway. I’m not falling for your tricks, environmenta-losers.

Hear that? That’s the sound of me successfully dissing the entire green revolution. The only thing burning on this planet is you, because of my insults.

If we believe that the world is warming due to human activities, what are we going to fall for next? That the moon is made of cheese? That cats and dogs are conspiring to rise up and become superior beings? That genetically modified food is actually relatively harmless? I know these all seem ridiculous, but I wouldn’t be surprised to wake up one day to find cats and dogs making moon cheese sandwiches on GMO whole wheat bread.

Well I’m not falling for it. Any of it. And it starts with the belief in global warming, which I very elegantly denied. Nice try climate scientists, but maybe you should be more cautious next time you yell fire in a crowded planet. If you want a fire, I’ll give you a fire. But in the meantime, I’m going to enjoy the ocean while it’s here.