1. Tim Kaine, Governor, Virginia

Pro: Swing state, fluent in Spanish, safe choice

Con: Political equivalent of plain yogurt.

2. Elizabeth Warren, Senator, Massachusetts

Pro: Appeal to left wing of party, could hold her own in a street fight if it comes to that, will cut you, man

Con: Habit of literally burning down Wall Street banks

3. Julian Castro, HUD Secretary, Texas

Pro: Could appeal to Latino voters

Con: Currently ruler of Cuba so possible time constraints and conflicts of interest

4. Sherrod Brown, Senator, Ohio

Pro: Well regarded, from a swing state

Con: What human mother names her child Sherrod? Think about it, dude

5. Cory Booker, Senator, New Jersey

Pro: “Hey, it’s that guy! I love that guy! Look, that guy built me a shed just now!”

Con: “Mrs. Clinton, can you move to the side so I can get a better look at that guy?”

6. Joe Biden, Vice-President, Around

Pro: Wouldn’t have to deal with movers

Con: Host of problematic new podcast, How I Would Have Done That

7. John McCain, Senator, Arizona

Pro: Would be a real fun way of fucking with John McCain

Con: None

8. Mecha-Clinton, Hillary Clinton
look-alike robot, secret lab

Pro: Aligned with Clinton on every issue, seemingly indestructible, a testament to American technological know-how

Con: Hydraulic sounds, clangs, and whistles could distract during State of the Union, unpredictable Killbot feature

9. Kevin Hart, actor and comedian, Los Angeles

Pro: Hilarious, quick with a snappy rejoinder, pairs well in buddy films

Con: A little bit of his act goes a long way so, eight years? Yeesh

10. Gravy, food, gravy boat

Pro: Delicious, enhances whatever it is paired with

Con: Voters are not allowed to eat the Vice-President, has no clear position on immigration or anything else, is gravy

11. Starting Five of the 1994-95 Orlando Magic

Pro: Shaq in the post, Penny shooting from outside, Horace Grant as the enforcer

Con: Nick Anderson was streaky, team lost to Houston in the Finals, Donald Royal’s grasp of international trade policy is shaky at best

12. Doris Eileen Giraffe, Senator/Giraffe, New Mexico

Pro: Business-friendly moderate who could lure centrist Republican voters, largest ruminant in the animal kingdom, can use neck for combat, popular in Southwest

Con: Nubby ossicones on head serve no clear purpose, may be preyed upon by leopards and hyenas, chain smoker

13. Bernie Sanders, Senator, Vermont

Pro: I’d rather not talk about… I mean, it’s kind of…

Con: Can’t we just move on to… you understand, right?… It’s just… yeah, but no never mind…

14. Your Mom’s Friend Nancy,
you know Nancy, from church

Pro: She just has a lot of really great ideas on things and you know what? She’s a straight shooter. You know what you’re getting with Nancy. I played golf with her the other day and this other group tried to take our tee time and Nancy was just not having it. She went and complained to the gentleman at the clubhouse and she made sure that (and on and on for like 25 minutes)

Con: I think Nancy is so busy, though, her oldest son, Josh, just moved to Pittsburgh for work and they just had a baby and Josh’s wife, I forget her name, has no idea WHAT she’s doing so Nancy goes out there and she’s just trying to help by telling her what you need to do with a baby to teach it discipline, but Josh’s wife won’t even let her (and on and on for like 35 minutes)

15. Some Jerk, jerk, anywhere

Pro: “Hey, look at me! I’m a jerk! I’ll be a jerk to help Hillary! Blaaaaah! I’m a BIG JERK!”

Con: Jerk

16. Magic Man,
owner of magic hands,
cold late night so long ago

Pro: Tries, tries, tries to get you to understand, can get you high a while

Con: Mama never seems to fully understand he’s a magic man

17. Dogs From The Hills, dogs, hills

Pro: Here they come now, dogs from the hills, no one knows how, dogs from the hills, running in a pack, dogs from the hills, on the attack, dogs from the hills

Con: How can they help, dogs from the hills, with a bark and a yelp, dogs from the hills, now running away, dogs from the hills, can’t get them to stay, dogs from the hills

18. The Swimming Pool Scene
with Bill Murray in Rushmore, scene, movie

Pro: Absurdity and despair feed one another as Murray’s industrialist Herman Blume, listlessly tosses golf balls into a weirdly green pool before jumping — falling, really — off the diving board, cigarette still lit, plunges to the bottom and remains there, all whilst dressed in large Budweiser swim trunks, Murray appearing dignified in his total submission to humiliation

Con: Hard to appreciate in modern media landscape, just a movie

19. Young people, demographic group, everywhere

Pro: Plenty of energy, idealism

Con: Really just need to fucking stop talking about Hamilton for five fucking minutes, okay?

20. Your Uncle Steve,
itinerant sheet rocker/entrepreneur,
down by the airport

Pro: Has plenty of complaints about government, is about to be rich, knows part of the guitar solo from Hotel California, steady – almost unnerving – eye contact

Con: Won’t discuss his life before 2005, isn’t your real uncle, may be living in your tool shed, had bitter falling out with Paul Ryan over some copper piping