Thanks again to everyone for meeting before the park opens today. For those of you who don’t know, I am Mr. Scott, owner of The Funtastic Fun Zone and your employer. Also, for those of you who don’t know, for the last ten years I’ve been claiming this theme park was an old folks home on my taxes. Don’t feel bad if you didn’t know that. Nobody should know that, least of all the IRS who will be visiting today to verify my decade long claim.

That’s why today The Funtastic Fun Zone will become Shady Grove: An Assisted Living Fun Zone. Grant’s repainting the sign out front as I speak, and, like Grant, you’ll all be taking part in making this park look like a passable old folks home so I don’t get audited. I’m not 100% sure what being audited entails, but from what I’ve read online, it’s not funtastic.

That means you ticket takers at the entrance gates have a new rule to enforce. Of course, you still can’t get into the park if you aren’t wearing shoes or a shirt, or if you’re wearing too many shoes or shirts, but for today you also can’t get into the park if you’re younger than 65. Check IDs, folks. If an IRS worker sees a bunch of kids and people who aren’t about to die walking around, they’ll know right away this isn’t a nursing home and there go my tax breaks.

And if my tax breaks go, so do your lunch breaks. I understand that’s not fair, but I’ve got a business to keep profitable. You know how hard it is to make money running a legitimate theme park? That’s not a rhetorical question. I’d genuinely like to know, since financially speaking, nothing about The Funtastic Fun Zone is legitimate.

That reminds me, if any of the IRS agents ask, you’re all interns on work-study programs from Tufts University. I’m aware that school is five states away, but the IRS isn’t.

As for the rides, the roller coasters are now wheelchair ramps designed by eccentric construction workers. Nothing illegal about that. The log ride now becomes an automatic bathing machine for our retirees. If they ask where the soap is, just tell them it’s invisible. They can’t prove that it’s not. That’s the beauty of invisibility. The swings are how we dry our residents off after the log ride, hence the lack of towels.

I couldn’t think of a way to explain the haunted castle ride, so Grant’s gonna just cover that with a giant tarp. If the tarp gets brought up by one of these tax jockeys, just say you don’t know what “tarp” means and aren’t sure if that’s a real word. They should get self-conscience about perhaps using the wrong word and they’ll move on. They’re numbers people, not words people.

For anyone running a game booth, some small changes for today. All games will be bingo and all prizes will be nothing.

If you’re working concessions, please serve everything in the old pill containers you’ll find in your booths. Yes, I know it will be hard to shove an entire funnel cake into a pill container, but find a way to make it work. Grant went to pharmacy school for a few weeks, so he should be able to help you out.

Alright, that should be everything you need to know. If we all work together the IRS won’t suspect a thing and we can go back to being a theme park tomorrow.

Oh, but on Friday my investors will be stopping by and we have to make this place look like a winery.

Don’t worry. I’ve ordered a bunch of tarps.