Attention valued Red Cedar Flags guests:

We hope you’re enjoying your day at Red Cedar Flags, America’s Careening Coaster Capital! We’ve just been informed that a single low rumble of heat thunder was heard a mere 19 miles from here. Thus, out of an abundance of caution and despite the perfect blue skies and white cirrus clouds overhead, we must — for the sixth time today — suspend all ride operations.

We recognize this is an inconvenience since our rides are literally the only reason you paid the absolutely-never-refundable adult ticket price of $114.50 (we define adults as persons or strollers over 28” in height) or the even lower child/senior/embryo-with-a-heartbeat discount price of just $109.50. But here at Red Cedar Flags, we prize nothing higher than guest safety. So much so, in fact, we originally planned to name the park “Safety Red Flags,” though focus groups ultimately found this to be a confusing and offputting brand experience.

Honestly, we would love nothing more than to bend the rules and let you aboard our rides, like the Screaming Hell Kraken, the world’s first totally underwater coaster, so you could experience the cool exhilaration of straining to hold your breath for an epic two minutes and eight seconds. Or to allow guests the retro thrills of our iconic Mine Collapse on Coal Holler Mountain, where only a single 50-year old lap bar stands between you and eternity. But it’s drizzling just a precious few hours south in Cincinnati, so… you understand our predicament.

Never fear, there’s still plenty of fun to be had until this weather threat has passed completely out of our nation’s upper Midwest region! While rides are paused, 64 oz. Long Island Iced Teas are currently 2 for 1. We regrettably cannot offer lids or straws as this is dangerous for our flamingos; we wouldn’t want to disturb them in their natural habitat directly under the strobe lights, sirens, and piped-in soundtrack of despondent wailing of the Chernobyl Kidz Disaster Blaster Coaster. But as much as we prize the well-being of our flamboyance of flamingos, be assured, your superior human safety is our top priority.

Unfortunately, even our Indoor Cedar Babiez X Fun Zone has to close during state-adjacent inclement weather like this. Please understand, an indoor bouncy house is an incredibly dangerous place to be in inclement weather. A child slick with mist could slip and fall onto its billowing surface. Oh God, can you even imagine? Our General Operations Manager, Dale, just threw up in the trash cans outside our bold, new trampoline/ flaming ax-throwing/ hot wing bar Bounce N’ Burn, just thinking about it.

Our concern for your safety — as if you were our only child, who had previously survived a near-death experience — is keeping our rides idle, even our newly opened ultra-coaster, Literally Just Falling! How we long to allow you to feel the breeze abrade your face as you plummet down all 54 stories of the Turret of Batshit Terror.

Aw, nuts, someone on Twitter in Pittsburgh just reported feeling a droplet! That will, unfortunately, extend this delay. You understand — it just wouldn’t be worth the risk. I’m not sure if we’ve mentioned this, but we put your safety before the lives of even, say, my own aged parents, Bob and Carol Whitaker. Ask them, they’ll tell you.

Lightning can strike at any time, even times like now, when the nearest organized storm system is in Topeka. Speak of striking at any time, kill a little time on our midway to stroll the Whammo Lawn Darts Promenade, test your luck at the Crazy Crossbow Catastrophe carnival game kiosk (kids win a crossbow every time!) or stop by our deep-fried ghost pepper stand, OH NO!

Hey, great news! It looks like the weather has cleared and the rides have now safely back opened! So head on down to your favorite — oh shiiyiiit!! Some guy was just decapitated by the tunnel of the Rock n’ Roll Cardiac Vice Grip! Oh God, his severed head was flung into the flamingo pit — NO, CRACKERS! PUT THAT DOWN! NOT FOOD! BAD BIRD!! Maintenance team, we have another Code Crimson. Gary, can you please secure his ruined corpse before anything rolls onto the tracks of the Red Cedar Flags Old-Time Ghost Railroad?

Whoopsie, looks like the ol’ microphone was still hot there, folks, so uh, hmm. That’s just not at all how we like to do business. Please ignore my ragged sobs and enjoy 10 percent-off vouchers for our amateur glass-blowing experience while supplies last at the front gates, to help you process this completely freak, unforeseeable tragedy that we are under no legal obligation to report or track.

Have a thrilling and safe day at Red Cedar Flags!