Oh, no, that’s not period bloat, and I’m certainly not gaining weight. It’s just the tapeworm inside of me! You see, I swallowed a tapeworm to shed a few pounds. It’s awesome! You can eat practically anything you want, and the food goes right to the tapeworm. Gobble, gobble, gobble!

I never thought I’d say this, but wow, do I love tapeworms! Did you know tapeworms can grow up to 30 feet long? Yes, I am losing out on a lot of the nutritional benefits of food, but at my age, and with this metabolism, that’s a price I’m willing to pay. And yeah, I’ve suffered abdominal pain, loss of appetite, upset stomach, diarrhea, and seizure-inducing infection. It hasn’t been pretty at times. BUT that’s more than worth the dizzying joy of having a tapeworm lap up all the junk food I consume. You think I want that food in my body? No, it’s disgustingly bad for me! That’s why I have the tapeworm!

Sure, if you swallow a tapeworm, you’ll eventually have to get it removed by taking an anti-worm medication that will kill it, causing its slippery, shit-covered body to slide out of your rectum inch by inch. Imagine, though, the relief you’ll feel when it finally slithers out?

Bye-bye, belly fat, and hello, tiny tummy!

Thankfully, even after the tapeworm is gone, there’s a good chance it’s left some babies in there, because tapeworms have both male and female genitalia and can reproduce asexually. Talk about a weight loss miracle! With that creature inside you knocking its own boots, your weight loss capabilities are infinite! Think of how quickly you’d be burning calories if you could just sex yourself all day? But you don’t have time for that! That’s why you need a tapeworm!

Did you know tapeworms can live up to 20 years in a host? That sounds like a win-win for you and the tapeworm! So, host away, my friends! Invite a tapeworm into your life and your body. You won’t regret it!*

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*Unless you’re one of the rare cases in which your tapeworm infection results in death. Also: Don’t consult your doctor if you are considering swallowing a tapeworm, as they will most likely advise against it. Doctors can be such downers!