I’m the Foursquare mayor of this goddamn Safeway, people, you better believe it. And if you don’t believe it, I’ve got my mayorship badge right here on my iPhone screen, posers. And if you don’t believe THAT I’ve got a genuine email from Foursquare in my Hotmail inbox, losers. Read it and weep.

First of all I’d like to say—sir, if you could put down that bag of food and pay a little attention here—that I have no intention of being one of those “in absentia” mayors. You probably could’ve guessed as much since I’ve been sleeping in the cart corral since Wednesday. No, I’m going to run Safeway #1519 exactly the same way I ran Circle K #394 and only slightly differently than the way I’m currently ruling Mikey Boy’s Pad: with an IRON FIST. I don’t know how Stephen P. handled stuff around here in his mayorship heyday, but based on the fact that he’s GONE NOW, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume he wasn’t exactly mayor material. Not like me, at least.

You want to see my résumé? No, go ahead. Seriously. Take it. And no, that’s not a typo, I am currently holding down twenty-four mayorships. You’re damned right it’s a lot of responsibility, but you can see by my “Crunked” and “Bender” badges that I know when to take a break and cut loose. Knowing when to stop and party down is important when you’re running the kind of hardcore operation I’m running.

Did you notice I’m currently the Foursquare mayor of Phoenix City Hall? Do you even know what that means? I’ll tell you what it means: it means I’m kind of almost LITERALLY THE MAYOR. I don’t think you appreciate how difficult that was to nail down; you can’t just sleep in the parking lot there the way you can here. Oh no. They’ve got security, they’ve got cameras. You’ve got to put your time in over there, boy. Working hours only. And they’re pretty rigid on the definition of “loitering.” Luckily, I’ve got a delinquent child support thing going on right now that keeps me in court a lot.

No, I don’t want an application. Why would I want an application? Are you even listening to me here? I’m the FOURSQUARE MAYOR. If I wanted your job I could take it, just like that, you better believe it. It happened to that kid at Burger King #1239 for a few minutes, and it can sure as shit happen to you. I’ve worked grocery retail before. Frozen food night crew. Almost five months, look it up. There’s not a Foursquare badge for a shit-kicking work ethic, but if there were you better believe I could show it to you on my phone right now.

So as I was saying, you can get used to seeing my good-looking mug around here. I’m going to go ahead and take down my lean-to in the parking lot and set up shop in the employee lounge. Ordinarily I’d need a locker for my valuables, too, but I had to pawn my switchblade and my Swatch watch to pay my cell phone bill so that’s not really critical. Ha, sounds like someone deserves the “Overshare” badge, am I right?

Yeah. I’m right.

Wait, hold on, I just got an email. What the? Oh, you have got to be kidding me, I’ve been ousted by that fucking slacker Stephen P.?!?

Okay, where the hell are you, Stephen P.? SHOW YOURSELF. Are you that squirrelly little punk there over by the deli? No, don’t tell me, I don’t need any help with my interrogation, I’ve been through this plenty of times, comes with the territory. I’m about to unlock the kicking ass and taking names badge all over this goddamn place. Stephen P.’s gonna get the chance to kiss my royal ass. Go back to Starbucks #3062, STEPHEN P.!