“Nikki Haley says she’ll vote for Trump, despite previously saying he’s ‘not qualified’ to be president.” – CBS News, 5/22/24

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I’m voting for Donald Trump, but that doesn’t mean I’m vouching for him. The difference between a promise to vote for someone and a formal endorsement is so vast that the average mind simply cannot comprehend it. So I’ll break it down for you simpletons: by announcing that I’ll vote for him, I’m pledging my allegiance to the crown without lowering myself to any ring kissing. I’m a self-respecting Republican woman, after all.

An endorsement would mean I’m staking my own character against his, and that would be insane. He’s a very bad man. I’m not doing that. But I am voting for him.

I said what I said: He’s not qualified to be president. But politics is about balance, finding ways to keep as many people as possible happy and not mad at you. And by “many people,” I mean one person in particular. And that is the person I am voting for, but not endorsing. He sucks, and he’s got my vote.

Yes, the campaign trail got nasty, as campaign trails are wont to do. Have you heard of letting bygones be bygones? It’s pretty cathartic. For instance, Trump stoked unfounded suspicions about my husband being “gone”—either disappeared or absconded; it honestly wasn’t quite clear—and now I’m announcing I’m voting for him. Bygones? Bygone.

I’m voting for Trump, yes, but I am not endorsing that monster. I’m loudly telling him to win over my voters, to scoop those suckers up, but I won’t explicitly tell anyone to vote for that bully or give him a dime. He’s dangerous and unpredictable, like a rabid animal who needs to be put down. So, I will be ticking the box next to his name come November to send him back to Washington. I will also accept another cabinet position, like secretary of state or, what the hell, vice president, should he have me.

I once predicted Trump’s style of “chaos, vendettas, and drama” would be dangerous for this country. But not voting for him would be dangerous for my future in politics. So, you see my dilemma. Ultimately, our politics align in every way that matters, and despite his being a criminally indicted, vindictive madman, it really serves my interests if he’s elected. That’s not an endorsement—just facts.

Be honest: a part of you likes the drama. Trump is like a #Scandoval mixed with a RHONY girls’ trip, with a sprinkle of Nick and Vanessa Lachey. It’s profoundly depressing and messy, but it makes damn good television. We gave him the nuclear codes once before, and he stored them in his bathroom. Grow up. No one died. I’m voting for double or nothing.

Maybe if he actually did something truly evil, I’d withhold my vote. Like killing a dog. Sure, he considered a VP candidate who did just that, but as I’ve thoroughly explained, you can support someone wholeheartedly and still not endorse their character.

In the end, all I have is my good name—a name that Trump once racistly mocked—and I’m using that name to fill out a ballot to cast a vote for this mafioso-ghoul. Do with that what you will. I’ve paid my MAGA dues and didn’t even have to waste a day of my life at the Manhattan Criminal Courthouse.