DOCTOR: So what seems to be the problem?
ME: I sprained my ankle playing basketball.
DOCTOR: (To nurse) Okay, let’s get a CBC, chem seven, electrolytes, and dip a urine.
ME: Is that really necessary?
DOCTOR: (To nurse) Also 20 of etomidate, 10 of sux, type and cross match for two, hang a unit of pack cells and squeeze in a saline bolus.
ME: Wait, what are those things?
DOCTOR: I’m not sure, but just about everyone needs them. Let’s get a portable c-spine, chest and pelvis while we’re at it just to be safe, and let’s do an ultrasound to make sure there isn’t any fluid in Morrison’s pouch.
ME: What’s Morrison’s pouch?
DOCTOR: A place where you definitely don’t want fluid otherwise we may have to send you upstairs for an exploratory laparotomy or ex-lap. Let’s prep the chest and get ready with cricoid pressure in case of laryngeal edema. Notify the burn unit and peds ICU.
ME: What do you think is going on?
DOCTOR: Right now, I’m going to say you have a simple infection that will clear up with a course of antibiotics, but I’m also totally wrong.
ME: I sprained my ankle. How could I have an infection?
DOCTOR: You probably don’t. Since you arrived for something innocuous and you look young and vital you’re probably about to get some shocking news like you have cancer or an ectopic pregnancy. Or, ooh! Necrotizing fasciitis. Haven’t had that one in a while.
ME: I think I want a second opinion.
DOCTOR: Don’t worry, I’ll figure it out with enough time for me to go outside and stare into a puddle questioning whether or not I have what it takes to work in a high-pressure urban trauma center. (To nurse): Let’s get some ringer’s lactate ready in case we have to put him on bypass or do ecmo.
NURSE: Psych consult?
DOCTOR: Couldn’t hurt. Let’s call in social work too. I think the lady who was paralyzed when a crazed maniac went after her for putting his child in protective custody is on duty.
NURSE: The one who played Coco in the TV version of Fame?
DOCTOR: That’s where I know her from! Yes, let’s get wheelchair TV Coco down here.
ME: I’m really feeling much better. Maybe I’ll just try ice and rest and see how it goes.
DOCTOR: He’s braiding down! Crash cart!
ME: Hold on! I’m totally fine! Look, I’m speaking!
NURSE: Actually, I think it’s Bradying down, not braiding down. B-r-a-d-y-i-n-g.
DOCTOR: Really?
NURSE: Pretty sure.
DOCTOR: They really should enunciate better. Anyway, he’s Bradying down! Charge to 150!
ME: Stop it! I’m fine! I’m fine! There’s no tension pneumo, I’m moving air bilaterally, pulse ox is 100 on room air, and I have a regular sinus rhythm!
DOCTOR: Are you sure it’s not v-tach?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Me neither. What if it’s a-fib?
ME: What’s that?
DOCTOR: Bad news, that’s what. Clear!
K-thunk
NURSE: Anything else doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes, get Kovac and tell Lewis to check on the kid in curtain three, he needs a foley or a spinal tap. Time of death 12:47.
ME: I’m not dead yet.
DOCTOR: Rib spreader, 10-blade. Clamp! Clamp! Internal paddles! Charge to 200! Dammit, Carter!