ALEXANDRA: What does this text even mean? “Trump impeach point what succession?”
MICHAEL: Oh, shit. I thought I typed that into Google.
ALEXANDRA: You’re delegating your internet searches to your domestic partner now? Say it with me, Michael. MEN-TAL-LO… You know what? I’m not even going to lecture you right now because I am in such a good mood. I’m not ready to say the tides are turning yet, but I think I’m starting to feel the tug of an undertow.
MICHAEL: Do you really think the Senate would convene a trial much less convict? Because you KNOW he isn’t going to Nixon in this situation. Then we’d have Pence. I swear that guy is the Tylenol of pain medication — technically its health risks are lower after a medical trauma, but it doesn’t actually DO the work of pain management.
ALEXANDRA: The other night, Rachel said that there is no such thing as a “typical procedure” for impeachment. We don’t have a whole lot of historical context. Whatever they’re doing with her makeup right now is amazing because you know no one at MSNBC is sleeping this week. She also implied that Congress shouldn’t have to do any research, that they already have enough evidence.
MICHAEL: The historical context of Trump says that nothing at all is going to happen. Unless you count a lot of angry tweets.
ALEXANDRA: Wouldn’t it be awesome if every female-identifying political figure that 45 slanders changed their Twitter bios to, “A very happy young girl looking forward to a bright and wonderful future?” That’s harassment I can get behind. That “mentally ill Swedish child” seems to have a whole lot of media savvy. We may not have much representation on the Forbes list of innovators, but we are leading the climate and impeachment charges!
MICHAEL: I never thought I’d hear you endorsing the addressing of grown women as “girls.”
ALEXANDRA: We’re in the upside down, Michael. There’s no historical context for how any of us are reacting to any of this. We must alter our metaphorical predictive maps with a Sharpie as we go. Though for future reference, I only endorse the practice of infantilization when done so ironically and when done by the women themselves.
MICHAEL: I know this is good news, Alex. And I’m always glad to see you happy. But this latest report on the climate crisis from the UN? "Irreversible impact”? That seems more “credible and urgent” than the whistleblowers’ allegations. How dare we think about anything else?
ALEXANDRA: I had similar feelings after reading the 1619 Project. How could I fight for feminism in the face of systemic racism?
ALEXANDRA: I just do. You do. WE HAVE TO. Because it’s all interlinked. Intersectional.
MICHAEL: I’m a one-thing-at-a-time kind of guy, Alex. I’m overwhelmed. I am a tropical storm of emotions and thoughts. I am so desperate for it to quiet that I, too, would consider trying to combat this mental hurricane with a nuclear weapon. And while we’re on the topic of warheads, don’t you think all this goes away when we go to war with Iran?
ALEXANDRA: You aren’t even going to give me 24 hours to enjoy this, are you? You’re supposed to the positive, optimistic one. I know! Watch this video about the new gender-neutral dolls that Mattel is putting on the market.
MICHAEL: Oh look, more non-recyclable plastic and non-biodegradable packaging to be shipped on carbon-belching airplanes around the world only to be discarded atop trash heaps. Meanwhile poor Greta, the Parkland kids, Little Miss Flint… when do THEY get to play with dolls instead of spending their youth trying to clean up our messes? You’re right, Alex. That video fixed everything. I feel so much better now, thanks.
ALEXANDRA: Less sarcasm, more joy. MAKE TIME FOR JOY, Michael. Do you know what Greta did after all her hard work at the UN? She went to a Broadway show.
MICHAEL: She did? That DOES make me feel better. I wonder if someone that young even recognizes half the songs in Moulin Rouge…
ALEXANDRA: Why would you assume…look I know you’re a sucker for anything with ’80s music but it’s set in a brothel. Not age-appropriate. There are OTHER shows on Broadway, Michael. She saw Come from Away.
MICHAEL: Not exactly an upper. Also, isn’t that set in an airport? I would think she’d find that more offensive than a brothel. You know, maybe I’m looking at this all wrong. Maybe instead of futilely fighting climate change, we should embrace it. Capitalize on it. Focus on how to monetize it.
ALEXANDRA: Who’s offensive now?
MICHAEL: Still Mike Pence and Tylenol. But when you were describing your Halloween costume idea… Viscosity Girl? Was that the mom in The Incredibles?
ALEXANDRA: No, a VSCO girl. It’s like an identity for those just figuring out how to define themselves. There was a writeup in one of the few sections of New York Times that hasn’t yet glorified Nazis. Those girls seem so innocent and hopeful. They take me right back to reading The Baby-Sitters Club and scrunchies. When fashion choices weren’t made ironically. Remember that feeling of inclusion that came with walking into algebra class wearing your salmon colored Duckhead shorts accented by a braided leather belt, the exact same shade as your deck shoes, folded over just so?
MICHAEL: Whatever. You said you were going for “an easy going and vaguely environmentalist look.” You were going to put a sticker on a reusable water bottle or something.
ALEXANDRA: A Hydroflask. It’s the must-have accessory for the VSCO crowd.
MICHAEL: Right. So just to be clear there are already must-have accessories to combat the climate crisis and that seems less horrifying to you than the idea that I might want to distract myself with new product ideas and daydream that I could amass some funds so that we can build a bunker ready for inhabitation before our fifth-floor walkup inevitable submerges? YOU JUST TOLD ME I HAD TO MAKE TIME FOR JOY.
ALEXANDRA: And brainstorming on how to monetize the climate crisis brings you joy?
MICHAEL: That and listening to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack loud enough to drown out MSNBC.
ALEXANDRA: Fine. But if you give yourself a migraine, I’m not giving you anything but Tylenol. I’m going back to the non-stop news coverage and under-eye concealer. Try not to tweet any search queries.