Citizens rejoice! Our tremendously virile country is being led by a man who bragged about his penis size at a presidential debate. We, who put our trust and faith in President Trump, were really thinking ahead. Now tens of thousands of Americans have died from coronavirus  — a death toll larger than that of any other country.

The Fake News Media will have you believe that the tragic number of fatalities is President Trump’s fault, just because he ignored the warnings about the coronavirus pandemic. They think that if only President Trump had acted back in January, our great nation might have been better prepared to contain the virus. But they completely ignore the fact that in his infinite, well-endowed-according-to-him wisdom, our leader was doing the very important job of investigating Hunter Biden and valiantly defending himself against the Deep-State Democrat impeachment.

Everyone knows that President Trump isn’t responsible for the country’s epic failure to contain the virus. The blame rests squarely on the shoulders of Barack Obama, who urged parties to put aside partisan differences in 2014 to prepare for a pandemic, but we know he didn’t really mean it because his middle name was “Hussein” and also he never bragged about his penis size. The World Health Organization, which started warning about the virus in January, completely forgot to mention their manhood, which must be why President Trump did nothing for the next two months. And let’s not forget the pandemic team. If only they had had the foresight to convince the president of their phallic prowess, he would have never disbanded them. What were they thinking?

After eight painful years of enduring a president who had more melanin than I did, I will never regret casting my vote for Donald J. Trump. One only need to look beyond our borders to see how lucky we really are. All over the world, countries are being run by leaders who have never said one word about their man lances, and you can see where that got them! Even worse, there are crazy nations that actually elect lady leaders without joysticks, and now they’re paying the price with organized quarantines, fewer deaths, and cogent explanations for why flattening the curve is essential.

Speaking of cogent explanations, every blessed day, President Trump takes time out of his busy schedule to hold an essential Coronavirus Task Force press briefing. It’s hard to believe, but not one of the so-called reporters in attendance ever asked him about his snake size. Instead they ask nasty, terrible, threatening questions. Yet despite all, the president is thoughtful and patient, consistently offering considered, not-at-all crazy answers. I know I speak for every American when I say that his behavior behind the podium offers a stark contrast to that terrible day of Aug. 28, 2014, when Obama caused so much suffering by wearing a tan suit.

Now, as our country plans to reopen despite the lack of testing, the failure to provide essential protective gear to front line medical workers and the sensible reluctance of 81% of Americans, it’s time to acknowledge the greatest president in American history who made all this possible with his excellent theories, sound medical advice, and brain metrics.

Thanks to President Trump, our country’s international standing is as impressive as his meat show. Our economy is as robust as his tallywhacker. Our national unity is as sound and secure as his bone-spurred soldier. Just as he promised, America is as great as his borscht whistle and not at all redolent of a Zombie apocalypse.

God Bless America.