Jsut incerdlibe! Did you konw taht it deosn’t mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are wrtiten, so lnog as the fisrt and lsat ltteers are in the rghit pclae? Yes! Taht’s corerct! Humnas are srmat engouh to undrestnad tehse snetneces, eevn thoguh tehy look raelly werid! But, eevn thugoh humnas are so insnaely smrat, apapnerlty tehy stlil arne’t srmat eonguh to BUY TICKETS TO MY ONE-MAN SHOW ABOUT LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES!

Wow! Tlak abuot amzanig!

Qusetoin: are you hvanig too mcuh dfifciluty raednig tehse wrods? You aern’t, are you? Taht’s jsut the pwoer of yuor mnid! Sreiuolsy, look at waht yuo’re donig rgiht now; yuo’re raednig gbibersih! And if you can raed gbibersih, tehn you can do ayntihng you wnat! Wlel… alomst ayntihng. I maen, wehn psuh coems to shvoe and it’s 8pm on a Frdiay ngiht, are you smrat engouh to prucahse EVEN ONE SINGLE, AFFORDABLY-PRICED FIVE DOLLAR TICKET ON STUBHUB? Or mabye, jsut mabye, can you (for eevn a mniute) COMPREHEND AN INSPIRATIONAL, ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME STORY ABOUT A TRULY DESERVING MAN LOOKING FOR LOVE IN A WORLD THAT HAS NONE TO OFFER?

It is jsut asoutdnnig waht the hmuan mnid can do, ins’t it!?

It is aslo eqlualy asoutdnnig taht no one, not a signle pesron, was smrat engouh to LOOK AT THE THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS OF PROMOTIONAL POSTERS I HUNG UP AROUND DOWNTOWN CHICAGO! Espcelialy becsaue thsoe postres wree all wrtiten wtih nomral wodrs! Not the out-of-odrer wrods you see in frnot of you… Taht sohuld be eevn eaiser to raed, rgiht?

Ha! And evreynoe clals me the dmub one!

I maen, tehy all siad I was dmub for buynig a six-motnh run for my inispraitoanlly bttiersewet (wtih an emhpsais on the wrod ‘bttier’) one-man-show. Tehy all siad taht I was dmub for maknig it go for 4 huors wtih no intremsison. Tehy siad I was dmub for gviing it the nmae: “I Need Love Like god Needs a Capital ‘G’”. Tehy siad taht the secnes wtih nduity wree all “lnog, treriyfnig, unencsesray… and aslo vrey, vrey dmub.” But apapnerlty YOU’RE THE DUMB ONES, AREN’T YOU? Bceuase, eevn thgouh you can raed all tehes out-of-ordre wrods, you sitil cna’t wtach a snigle RAW AND HEARTFELT one-man-show taht the Cihcgao Tirbnue dsecbired as, in thier wrods, “smoetnihg we wolud nveer reivew.”

Tlak abuot havnig egg on yuor fcae!

In sumamry and in conclsuoin, the hmuan mnid is (as you can see) qiute brlilaint. But claerly (conisedrnig the epmty threatr I pefrmored in fornt of for SIX CONSECUTIVE MONTHS) it sitil has a lot of room for imoprvemnet. Of cuorse, tehre is antoher posislbe raeosn why no one wtached my sohw: eihter, all 7.3 bililon poeple on Eatrh are, sipmly put, not samrt engouh to udnersatnd the SINGLE GREATEST THEATRICAL ENDEAVOR SINCE AIDA… Or y’all are a bnuch of ashsoels. Hwoveer, snice I rfeuse to beleive taht eevry snigle pseron on Eatrh is a no-good peice of gabrgae who rfeused to see I Need Love Like god Needs a Capital ‘G’ out of PURE SPITE… taht rlealy olny maens one tinhg to me:

I just need to dumb down the sequel!