At U-Haul, we believe that your ability to drive a midsize sedan qualifies you to drive a ten-thousand-pound box truck. But why stop there? We are proud to introduce new and extreme rental options that will make moving as stressful as possible.
The day has come for you to pack up your childhood bedroom and say goodbye to your youth forever. This is a great time to drive an eighteen-wheeler for the first time. You won’t be worrying about which box you packed your blankie in when you’re barreling down the highway, about to career into oncoming traffic. Remember to wipe away your tears before watching a five-minute YouTube tutorial on how to drive a big rig, which, by the way, is also a manual transmission.
How are you with horses? On second thought, it doesn’t matter. This is the cheapest option, so it’s the one you are going to select because you are on a tight budget. We understand that moving comes with many unforeseen costs and expenses, like boxes and packing peanuts, which is why we’ve made the most affordable rental option come with the most hidden fees—hundreds of barrels of hay. You will be thrilled when the financial stress of moving is compounded by the financial stress of feeding Clydesdales. Pro tip: Don’t pet the horses—they bite.
Conestoga Wagon (No Horses)
On an even tighter budget? Save more by pulling the wagon yourself.
This is a great option for families with unruly children. Corralling a rambunctious group of toddlers while moving from the city to the suburbs is too simple and carefree, so we recommend adding a Boeing CH-47 Chinook to the mix. With this rental option, your cross-country move will be filled with endless and bitter arguments. Fortunately, you won’t be able to hear the passive-aggressive comments over the noise of the propellers. Did somebody say, “Lift off”?
When we conducted a trial of this rental service, the driver got stuck in the Suez Canal and had to move back in with his parents, but that won’t happen to you. (It will.)
Unless you are moving to Atlantis, this rental option makes zero sense. (You are moving to Ohio.) But it does guarantee that there will be no traffic, because cars can’t drive underwater, which means no rush hour. You will spend fifteen minutes reading a manual on hydraulic systems, close the hatch, and immediately realize that you forgot to pack your favorite coffee mug and start to cry.
This plane can carry 600,000 pounds, so you won’t have to throw out that dirt-stained rug after all. Load it onto the fuselage. Don’t worry about sorting through your old furniture. Just deal with it when you arrive at your new, smaller apartment. If you thought finding parking was going to be stressful before, now you have to find parking while flying a giant cargo aircraft.
If your friends and family halfheartedly offered to help with your big move only to back out at the last minute, then this rocketship is the choice for you. You will be stuck doing everything by yourself, including packing, loading, unloading, and guiding this missile with seats on it. Your heart will race uncontrollably while you fire up the rear-facing thruster and head off into the cosmos. As it dawns on you that another chapter of your life has come to an end, take a moment to breathe—let go, and try not to freak out while the guidance system malfunctions and you drift away, out into the universe. It may be dangerous, but it will be an adventure. Plus, you saved money by not hiring professional movers.
NOTICE: Vans and pickup trucks have been discontinued because they feel too safe.