Congratulations on purchasing
a Paddle Creek® Pro-Hysteria™
Medical research has proven that long periods of sitting will kill you soon. To avoid this blissful state, we have partnered with leading ergonomic quacks to create the world’s most advanced office safe spaces. Our innovative Hiding Desks provide superior performance over competing standing desks and regular, comfortable desks.
Soon you’ll start feeling the healthful benefits of a new working lifestyle that will strengthen your core anxieties, give you more dark energy, and lower your risk of happiness. Your new Hiding Desk will provide a safe place to cower in fear of actual or perceived threats such as:
- Active shooters
- Shooters on a break
- Truck attacks
- Threatening sedans
- Prominent government officials
- Identity borrowing
- Real news
- Tragic, senseless meetings
With proper care and stoking, your Pro-Hysteria™ Hiding Desk will provide years of workplace camouflage. Please follow these instructions to avoid injury and immediate death…
Only certified Paddle Creek® installers should assemble the Hiding Desk. During installation, our ergonomic specialist will ask you a series of questions about your work routines, worrisome posture, girth, and immediate family’s attitudes toward your life decisions. Answering these questions accurately will ensure that we can guess your political leanings and give you a look of silent reprove.
IMPORTANT: DO NOT TIGHTEN SCREWS. Screws must remain loose.
To switch your desk from sitting position to hiding position, grip the edge of the desk with your thumbs facing downward. Pull gently upward until the surface of the desk is above your head. If you are having difficulty putting the desk into hiding position, relax your knees and stop using your leg muscles. Once you become familiar with its operation, you’ll notice that the desk does not move.
To switch your desk from hiding position to sitting position, first check to see if you can see anyone’s feet. If no shoes or military boots are present, try calling your cubicle neighbor with your cell phone or shooting a marble at the opposite wall in order to flush out whichever deranged millennial or INS agent is hunting you. If the coast is clear, it is safe to reach into one of your drawers and finish the dried apricots you thought would make a good late-afternoon snack. Once you’ve finished eating those disgusting dried apricots, switch back to sitting position by getting up.
Working while hiding requires a period of adjustment. At first, you will notice a burning sensation in your wrists as you attempt to type from under the desk. To adapt, try taking regular breaks of increasing frequency until you are no longer working. You may also experience occasional neck pain, which will dissipate over time as you become accustomed to huddling in darkness and focusing on your fears. Finally, should your new hiding routine grow too comfortable, try experimenting with new prescriptions that don’t work, or reading about polar bears.
- Keep children away from you.
- Do not sit or stand in the box this came in, no matter how whimsical you feel.
- Check surroundings carefully before using the desk. Loose cords, monitors, and speakers may be crushed if trapped between you and your diving panic attacks.
- In the event of a power outage, we hope you have a generator.
Our Hiding Desks come with a variety of useful accessories that can help you make the most out of realizing there is no where you are truly secure:
- The Paddle Creek® Signature Fitness Necklace: This thick black band will help you and several mysterious agencies track your developing schizophrenia.
- The Paddle Creek® Giant Floor Keyboard: It’s like regular typing, but much more frustrating.
- The Paddle Creek® Hovering Mouse: The lightest mouse in the industry is actually a spy drone.
- The Paddle Creek® Lamp: It’s just a lamp — a very dim lamp.
Love your new Hiding Desk? We’d love to hear from you! Cooking something interesting for dinner? What’s the point? Traveling to another country? We’d like to leave, too!
If you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to visit our website. You will need your model #, date of purchase, and bank account passwords. You can find your model # between the back of the desk and the wall, which is where you should wedge yourself now.