People love gender-reveal parties. People keep dying at gender-reveal parties. It’s high time someone put two and two together to give the people what they want: gender-reveal funerals.
Eventually, your flesh will disintegrate. Makeup fades; muscles shrivel. What was once your corpse will be only a skeleton, and then if a person were to dig up your bones it would be nearly impossible to tell, at a glance, whether you spent your limited, now-meaningless days on earth doing Important Big Boy Things or Ballerina Princess Girl Sparkles. With a gender-reveal funeral, all confusion can be put to rest, just like your eternal soul.
That’s why it’s important for you to go out the same way you came into this world: with a BANG of either pink or blue powder BURSTING UNCONTROLLABLY from a homemade pipe bomb, to show all your loved ones that you cling to the false and oppressive notion that gender is a binary even — especially — in death.
Available packages include:
- Girls go bloom, boys go VROOM: Imagine all your loved ones have gathered around your burial plot and your casket has been lowered into the ground. Just as your useless, weak-limbed daughter goes to lift a shovel to throw dirt over your coffin, a plane flies low overhead. The noise of the engine is deafening. A side door opens and out tumbles either 10,000 metric tons of pink rose petals OR 10,000 LEGO™ diggers, excavators, trucks, bulldozers, and cranes, pouring down on your funeral from on high, filling your grave to the top, and maiming approximately one out of every six attendees.
- Just One Gun Salute: Think of a 21-gun salute, except instead of shooting into the sky, you shoot at one of those targets filled with Tennerite, which will explode on contact and start a wildfire — in the immutable color of your sacred gender! — and, in turn, destroy the entire cemetery and the surrounding grounds.
- In Memori-YUM: To really get the most out of your gender-reveal experience, we recommend waiting until after the funeral to host a gender-reveal shiva. Every day for seven days, you get a special babka that we have completely destroyed by replacing its traditional innards with bright pink or blue frosting. To make sure people who weren’t really close enough with you to mingle with your loved ones still get to be a part of this amazing experience, we will also provide a massive fireworks display spelling out either IT WAS A BOY! or IT WAS A GIRL! in the sky above your house.
- Do not go gentle into that good night: So this is just where we shoot a fuck-ton of blue or pink confetti and your ashes out of a cannon. It’s very loud. Your friends and family will be finding glitter and pieces of you in their hair and clothes for months. Our number-one bestseller!
- Wake me up before you go-go: Are you so stoked about this gender reveal that you can’t even wait until the funeral to announce your gender to your loved ones? We totally get it. That’s why we also have Gender-Reveal Wake options, which include: pink or blue satin-lined caskets to be opened at the optimal moment by a member of our staff disguised as a pallbearer; a color-coordinated balloon drop that will hit as soon as someone starts to recite “Our Father”; spiked punch that will make your guests vomit in the appropriate color exactly 15 minutes after it’s consumed.
Remember: None of this (gender, the absurd performance thereof, celebratory cannons) mattered while you were alive. But possibly it could matter now that you’re going to be dead. Better safe than sorry you missed out on the most Instagrammable moment of your afterlife.