No doubt your baby can be churlish, irritable, inconsolable, whiny, and manically happy, sometimes even in the span of an hour. That’s pretty normal as far as infants go, alas. But does your baby’s behavior go beyond the normal range? Is it possible that your bouncing bundle of joy is actually an asshole? Take this quiz to find out.
1. It’s 2 pm. Your baby is:
B. Projectile vomiting
D. Playing with his blocks. At just four months old, he can already identify A, B, and C.
2. It’s 2 am. Your baby is:
B. Projectile vomiting
D. Sleeping. She started sleeping through the night at six weeks.
3. Your baby has been crying nonstop
for the past three hours, so you:
A. Curse Harvey Karp and his five Ss. How the heck are you supposed to swaddle a squirming infant using a rectangular blanket?
B. Continue to offer him the breast, a bottle, a lump sum payment of $100, and a super-late curfew, in that order.
C. Go hoarse from transforming every song you know, from “Jingle Bells” to “Bad Blood” to “She’s On It,” into lullabies.
D. Three hours? Wow, what a nightmare. Your nanny would never let your baby get away with that.
4. You and your partner are getting ready
for some adult amorousness. Your baby:
A. Sits up in her crib and stares
B. Pulls his binky over his head
C. Arranges her loveys into an isolation chamber
D. Recognizes boundaries, just like you taught her, and politely crawls into another room
5. Once again, the rent is due.
When you ask for her share, your baby:
A. Chuckles, then screams “gaaaaaaaahhhhhh” with dead seriousness
B. Hands you a toy
C. Points to the cat
D. Writes a check from her trust fund with a fountain pen she inherited from her great-great-great grandfather
6. Your baby’s first word was:
7. Your baby’s favorite stuffed animal is called:
A. A lovey
B. A dolly
C. A stuffed animal
Your baby is kind of an asshole. The good news is that while most babies are assholes, most toddlers are not. Right? Right? Please god, right?
Your baby is 50% asshole. However, the other 50% is pure cuteness, so you probably won’t mind or even notice the assholey qualities. At least not on Instagram. #lovingbabytopieces
Your baby is an asshole. Yet your baby is also meeting her milestones quickly and showing some terrific developmental accomplishments. No doubt she’s a genius, and geniuses can get away with being assholes. Just ask Steve Jobs.
Your baby is definitely an asshole. But it sounds like you’re a bit of an asshole too. So maybe you deserve each other?