1. Ask for advice on how to clean the red stains out of your plastic food storage containers, after you’ve microwaved Beefaroni in them.

2. Crochet a case for your kid’s 3DS.

3. Sew a Coca Cola patch onto the torn knee of your kid’s polyester, SAMs Club, Elmo pajamas.

4. Share that your entire understanding of and experience with growing vegetables is based on FarmVille. Humbly admit that you’re pretty good. Promise to send invitations to play.

5. Refuse to let your kid wear a sun hat because your doula forwarded you an article that she found on a blog, written by a British researcher who almost finished med school, suggesting that sun hats cause autism.

6. On stone-soup day, contribute a can of Campbell’s vegetable soup, in an effort to make the process more efficient.

7. Overachieve by felting a Mickey Mouse head instead of a ball.

8. Every day, after they chant the morning verse, raise your hand and ask, “Are you sure this isn’t a cult?”

9. Draw faces on the creepy dolls.

10. When your kid punches someone, put him in the corner to watch YouTube videos and check his Instagram account on your phone. Confidently state, “That should hold him for a couple hours.”