On battling adversity

So you’re in a funk. Times are tough and you feel you have no control. Maybe you’re feeling like everyone is out to get you? I hear you. OK, let’s try a visualization exercise. Picture the whole world against you. It’s surrounding you. Screaming at you. That’s right, keep focusing. OK, now what else do you see? Maybe an obscene gesture? No? Well, picture harder then, because that’s definitely what you see. And now perhaps the world is throwing something at you? Is it a 16-ounce plastic beer cup? No, no, trust me, that’s what it is. OK, keep visualizing. And now repeat after me: “Fuck you, world! I’M not the problem. YOU’RE the problem. FUUUCCKK YOOUUU!!!!” And there you go. Problem solved.

On coping with loss

No question, death is hard. But let me tell you: it gets easier. Sure, that first encounter with loss is jolting. Really catches you by surprise. You probably thought that this year would have started out a little better. Well, guess what? There will be more loss. Heck, sometimes even five, six, seven losses in a row. But it gets easier. And soon, before you know it, loss is nothing. I mean, you’ll learn to greet loss with a lean-back-into-the-chair, fold-the-arms-behind-the-head, roll-the-eyes-and-flip-off-the-ref kind of inner peace. And you know what that’s called? Personal growth.

On breaking unhealthy habits

Don’t even think about quitting. You’re not a quitter, you hear me? Say it! “I will never, ever, ever quit.” And they can’t make you, man. No, you’re in this for the long haul. Quitting’s for punks. You just need to shake up your daily schedule. You know, your rotation. OK, let’s say the problem is a dependency on prescription drugs. Just vary the pills week to week in no discernible or strategic pattern, randomly riding one pill and then inexplicably benching that pill for a different yet equally ineffective pill. Or perhaps throw the dice with a drug that everyone else says had its best years a decade ago. Maybe even check out a drug that’s not just unproven but also ridiculously expensive. I mean, hey, you might not make it to the fourth quarter but at least you’ll be keeping it real.

On others’ resentment of your success

What? Seriously, it’s your nickel, but what the fuck are you talking about?

On handling problems at work

Try this: When your boss calls you in to give you a poor performance evaluation, stay calm. Follow along as he details the continual failures, perhaps nodding while he recounts some of the more disturbing instances of incompetence. When he has finished, thank him for his feedback, look him square in the eye, and start screaming, “Fire Isiah! Fire Isiah!” I can’t explain it, but that shit is guaranteed to keep your job going for at least another year.