I woke up this morning with a sense of dread. I knew what day it was. I knew what was about to happen.
You see, I married a Muslim. And today is March 14. International Pi Day.
I should have known better. After I announced the engagement, my friends warned me. My neighbors were worried sick. They all told me the same thing.
Islam isn’t just a religion.
It’s a totalitarian mathematical ideology.
Muslims worship STEM. It’s not some random outlier three standard deviations above the mean. No. It’s central to their belief system. They’re all engineers, biologists, mathematicians, the lot of them.
We’re Americans, by golly. We hate math almost as much as we hate universal healthcare. It’s one of our core values.
But if you marry a Muslim, they said, he will force you to adopt his custom of calculating the tip in every restaurant down to the penny without the aid of the calculator app on your smartphone. He will encourage your future offspring to become physicists. He will teach them to reject their American heritage, that long and glorious tradition of flunking calculus.
That is what will happen if you marry a Muslim, they said.
But I didn’t listen. That’s only a radical few, I said. Don’t judge someone before you’ve met them, I said.
Now, every year, like clockwork, on the morning of March 14, the minor holiday when Muslims celebrate the number that allows us to calculate the circumference of a circle—just like the circles they walk around the Kabba in Mecca—my husband wakes me up, shoves his cell phone in my face, and forces me to recite pi to the 60th digit in front of all his relatives on the other end of the line in Iran.
It’s humiliating. It’s demeaning. It’s… irrational.
Now, it’s true my fiance was a mathematician. Yes, I know that’s a stereotype. But I was willing to look past it. He had other admirable qualities. Not all mathematicians are zealots, just like not all Muslims are mathematicians.
I was duped.
Now I know that it’s no use trying to argue with these people. They’re fundamentalists. Claim that you can divide something by zero and they’ll call you a heretic. Try to take the square root of a negative number and they’ll dismiss it as imaginary. And no matter how much you try to get them to bend, even just a little, they will never stop claiming that two parallel lines in a two-dimensional plane will never intersect.
It’s not just the radicals. Don’t let anyone convince you it’s just the radicals. Oh no. It’s the exponents too. It’s the derivatives, the compound fractions, the divergent sequences, the inverse trigonometry.
It’s the linear algebra.
Dear god! The algebra! Al-Gebr. You probably didn’t even know that was an Arabic word. You see? They’re taking over everything.
I mentioned triangles. Do you know how to say the base of a triangle in Arabic? Al Qaeda. I swear to god.
Their plan is to infiltrate the math classrooms of America with creeping geometry.
People will tell you this is only a recent development, the result of the incursions of Western science brought by imperial powers and the spread of the modern fields of engineering and physics. Muslims have simply adopted these Western ideas for sheer survival. Only in the past fifty years have Muslim mothers and fathers demanded that all their children become engineers or scientists.
Don’t listen to this postcolonial libtard apologetic garbage. Muslims have been doing this for 1200 years. Muhammad Ibn Musa Al-Khwarizmi, the father of modern algebra and the torturer of millions of American tenth graders, discovered his subversive formulas in the 9th century AD. The tenth-century astronomer Al-Battani calculated the length of the solar year. Al-Biruni estimated the circumference of the earth. They even cursed us with our modern numeral system.
Division? Exponentiation? Extracting the root? Blame the Muslims. They did this to us.
And now they are bringing it to our American shores.
First, they came by the dozens. Then the hundreds. Now they’re pouring over our borders, aspiring mathematicians and engineers alike, filling up the classrooms and dorm rooms of college campuses from California to Nebraska to New York. They don’t just want to study math. They want to teach it, to develop it, to spread it among our impressionable American youth. And our government is just standing by and letting it happen. They underestimated the seductive charm of these Muslim ideologues.
But it’s not too late.
We can still fight back against radical Islamic mathematics. We must close the borders to them. We must dismantle their infrastructure, shut down their high school math clubs, make all participants in national math competitions first undergo a round of ideological vetting to make sure they’re not too excited about proofs.
We must outlaw Pi Day.
Don’t make the same mistake I did. Don’t be enticed by the prospect of major new breakthroughs in the fields of theoretical physics or computer science.
But whatever you do—don’t marry a Muslim.