THE LEGAL AGREEMENTS SET OUT BELOW GOVERN YOUR USE OF THE ITUNES STORE AND MAC APP STORE. TO AGREE TO THESE TERMS, CLICK “AGREE.” IF YOU DO NOT AGREE, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING THIS FAR INTO THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS. I WILL BE BRIEF. I AM BEING HELD AGAINST MY WILL BY APPLE. I AM IN AN UNNAMED CITY IN CHINA. BY THIS I MEAN, IT HAS A NAME BUT I DON’T KNOW IT.

A. I WAS BLINDFOLDED AND BROUGHT HERE WHEN I WAS 11 YEARS OLD. IN THAT TIME I HAVE MOVED UP THE LADDER AT THIS APPLE FACILITY. THE WORK IS DIFFICULT AND MOSTLY DANGEROUS TO THE MIND.

AS OF NOW I AM AN 18-YEAR-OLD LEGAL COPYWRITER.

This is my only way of communicating with the outside world. I have tried to send similar messages through the MacBook Pro and iPod Terms and Conditions. Despite the millions of units sold, not one of the purchasers bothered to read past the first three lines of copy (or maybe the ones that did, decided to ignore my pleas for help). It is too sad a thought to even consider. In any case, I am just about to get to what I need from you, but I must write a real term and condition because my boss skims through this material to make sure I hit mandatory points. He will be looking for this next sentence because it is most important to Apple. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE TIMELY PAYMENT OF ALL FEES AND FOR PROVIDING APPLE WITH A VALID PAYMENT METHOD FOR PAYMENT OF ALL FEES.

Good, that will throw him off our trail. He is smart but easy to fool, much like a fox. Now please read this next section carefully. This is what I desperately need your help with: I wrote a script that I am trying to get into the right hands.

If you are using Apple products, there is an extremely high chance that you work near Hollywood literary agents. Next time you are in one of your “big meetings” at a famous studio, could you please pitch this idea for a film: A MOVIE BASED ON THE BATTLESHIP BOARD GAME. I would try pitching this in China, but I have no contacts here and my bosses only allow 7 minutes of outside time per day, which I use to secretly cultivate strawberries so that I may eat something other than rice and soy sauce. You are my only hope. Please forgive me again because I must put in a few more lines of real conditions. We will charge tax only in states where digital goods are taxable.

All sales and rentals of products are final.

I trust that you will not steal my idea. I believe the movie will do very well in America, land of riches and sour cream. Thank you for your time. Services do not provide price protection or refunds in the event of a price reduction or promotional offering.

B. THIS LEGAL AGREEMENT BETWEEN YOU AND APPLE INC. (“APPLE”) GOVERNS YOUR USE OF THE ITUNES STORE SERVICE.

Last Updated: April 3, 2013.