Today at Apple, after months of speculation and gossip among Mac enthusiasts, we’re proud to finally release macOS HellScape, the latest update to the world’s most powerful desktop operating system. HellScape delivers an exciting new array of features and improvements, such as a refined data file management system, major overhauls to core graphics and video technology, streamlined interfunctionality of popular apps, and the industry’s first ever incorporeally inducted, digital feed to the nefarious nether regions of Hell.
Bypassing the rigid limits of virtual reality, macOS HellScape utilizes the latest advancements in hardware acceleration and the most arcane of the black arts to create an interdimensional rift in the fabric of the universe in actual reality. The degree of technological sophistication delivered by the Apple Rift means that VR headsets are now a thing of the past for any users wishing to experience vivid, life-like content developed by the armies of darkness and featuring the cries of the damned. And thanks to Apple’s own, totally revamped proprietary Death Metal Infinity graphics engine, users can now create their own eternally anguished three-dimensional content from the comfort of their own homes, set it to an appropriately morbid and ear-shattering soundtrack, and transmit the whole thing through the ether to inflict additional pain upon the tortured souls already suffering in the afterlife.
Seamlessly integrated into the architecture of the bottomless pit, HellScape’s refined Apple Reign of Fire data management system (ARFS) improves where its groundbreaking predecessor left off by establishing a direct, metaphysical link to the archives of the unholy. Optimized for sharing with friends and the legions of the accursed, ARFS’ native, cutting-edge encryption technology protects files and keeps them safe and secure from the prying eyes of North American and Eastern European government agencies and rogue Asian nations while being sent down the information superhighway to Hell.
Innovations related to core processing mean that HellScape includes support for all nine Circles of Hell, no matter how deeply buried down inside the earth’s darkest and most magma-ridden core they might be. Furthermore, by taking full advantage of these devilish third-party hardware improvements and the latest advances in high-efficiency video coding, HellScape enables video streaming so fast that content literally rides the lightning to its final resting place, provided that the content is rife with supernatural elements of pure evil.
Fans of Siri will be delighted to know that HellScape also features fun and exciting new voices for the popular voice-activated personal assistant, including that of Satan himself, an Apple exclusive. In addition to his infernal majesty’s own deep baritone, which shares a striking resemblance to the voice of James Earl Jones’s Darth Vader (minus the sickly wheezing), Siri now has the ability to respond more expressively to your actions and commands in the authentic and endlessly pained screeches and growls of many lesser demons and nameless ghouls, as well as those of most deceased Norwegian black metal musicians.
Lastly, the grim host of native Apple apps all feature unique refinements designed to enhance user experience and increase the likelihood of becoming demonically possessed. Mail searches now automatically filter out all messages that don’t involve the bartering for innocent souls, while Safari now disables autoplay on all web-based video and audio that don’t originate from Lucifer’s own private domain. And in addition to a new and improved user interface, Photos now includes professional photo editing tools that recreate the scorched agony of Hell itself by spewing forth a wave of ultra-realistic, multi-hued red-hot fire that literally jumps right off the screen.
At Apple we’re proud to have developed the first platform that faithfully brings the burning flames of the inferno right to your fingertips. While our competitors at Microsoft have been virtually recreating first-hand experiences of Hell with its entire suite of products since the 1980s with some serious inroads of success—who can forget Windows 8?— the release of macOS HellScape reaffirms Apple’s dominance not only in the global personal computing industry but also among the diabolic forces of eternal darkness.