Dear Mr. Hiring Manager,

I was thrilled beyond belief to come across your job posting for Regional Mobility Associate at Lugobritz Solutions, Inc. Though it remains a mystery what the position entails, and though I can not, after a thorough scour of the company website, determine what product(s) and/or service(s) your fine company provides, I assure you I am deeply qualified, though not overly so (don’t worry!), and I wait with baited breath until the time you bring me in for an interview.

As I hope my résumé makes clear, I have copious knowledge of regional matters, having lived in this very region my whole life, though by no means in a static way. Quite the contrary, I have moved around the region frequently, and moreover associated — liased, you could say — with many of its inhabitants. It is only natural that I put these skills, honed to perfection over a lifetime, into action, at the very job to which I now apply, a job that could not be a more perfect fit were it dreamt up with me in mind.

At my previous jobs, I took it upon myself to demonstrate a superhuman capacity not only as a leader, but also a follower; to show jaw-dropping creativity, but also a deep lack of originality and independent thought, or whatever tepid mix of the two, as the case requires. Whether spearheading forward-thinking and cutting-edge initiatives, or mindlessly following orders, I have developed a passion for self-direction and repetitive drudgery alike. Go ahead and pinch yourself, because in every imaginable role I have shown inestimable breadth, and (sparing you the byzantine explanation of how) helped drive sales or otherwise improve profitability. Something tells me I’m the answer your prayers.

Most pants-peeingly exciting, I will be blessed at Lugobritz Solutions with the opportunity to develop my most passionate passion — the defining passion of my life, you could say. And that is (wouldn’t you know?) solutions. Whether customized, value-added, medium-termed, cross-platformed, or any other descriptor listed in the posting, you could say I’m pretty much obsessed. Even as a young child, I greatly admired the efficiency with which solutions can address problems. Time after time, solutions have stood the test, and I am convinced that I could not find a better thing to devote my life’s work to, whatever that might be. It is my wildest fantasy to in some capacity and no matter how negligibly contribute to the production or sale of, or in any way be associated with, those solutions your company name refers to.

Lastly, I bring to the table expert facility with MS Office, other MS Office-like programs that shouldn’t be too hard to learn on the fly, as well as Excel which I will take a video tutorial on if I get this job. Broadly conceived, watching someone else use Excel still counts as “experience” with it, and frankly, it really doesn’t look that hard. Does my honesty shock you? I just took a bold risk here to show you the kind of integrity you can expect from me. You won’t see me shying away from the hard truth, no, not even about myself, unless of course you consider that best practice.

Performance-optimizingly yours,
Simone “Strategic Alliance” Taylor