As J-Dog’s best man, I have the privilege of planning THE SICKEST BACHELOR PARTY EVER!!! I want to make sure everything is perfect for him! Dude deserves the best! Plus we might not see him again after he marries Allison. She’s such a miserable ball-breaker (Don’t worry, I’m keeping J-Dog off this thread, so we can bag on Allison all we want! She’s the WORST!). OK, here’s the current head count for Vegas: Ethan, Petey Pete (if he’s feeling better!), Manx, Le Puke, Dave, Balls-O-Matic, and MAYBE Keith (dude’s still AWOL!!! You guys hear anything?). Ethan’s bachelor party in Cancun totally WENT OFF, but now we have to take it to another level for J-Dog! In the coming weeks, I’ll be sending updates on the plan of attack. It’s going to be EPIC!!!
The good news: Dave just got into USC BUSINESS SCHOOL! The bad news: he’s out for Vegas. No worries, dude! I can’t believe the WOLF PACK hasn’t been together since we got rowdy down in Cancun!!! ME GUSTA FIESTA!!! I take it nobody’s heard from Keith, right? Are his parents still making inquiries through the consulate in Mexico City? Last I heard they wanted to send down a PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR. Fingers crossed, but I think for now we need to focus on J-Dog. This is HIS party!
We have to show J-Dog that we can still GO HARD, and maybe convince him that he’s making a terrible mistake by marrying that woman. Honestly, I can’t believe he’s going through with this! Dude can have anybody he wants! ANYBODY! I’ve looked him in the eye and told him that like a MILLION times, but he won’t listen!!!
Still figuring out logistics. In the meantime, I want everybody eating healthy and doing crunches every night! If J-Dog can stay totally RIPPED, so can we! I don’t know how he makes time for the gym, with Allison nagging him 24/7. Sometimes I wish we could take J-Dog away and party with him FOREVER!!!
Ethan’s out. His wife filed for divorce, which sounded like GOOD NEWS to me, but I guess he’s been acting weird since we got back from Cancun. He said he could feel a DARK WIND blowing towards him from his future! He’s staying with his parents in Malibu, just sort of hanging around the pool all day, staring at the water. And get this: the dude’s in THERAPY!!! (don’t worry, I took him off the thread, so we can bag on him!).
Yo, Petey Pete! Are you feeling better yet?! Take some TYLENOL and MAN UP!
Since I’m making FAT STACKS at my dad’s PR firm, I’m throwing down for two fully-loaded ESCALADES! One for me and J-DOG, and one for you guys. I can just picture us, rolling down the strip, bumping SICK JAMS!!! I want to download that “Superman” song from Entourage because it reminds me SO MUCH of J-Dog. He’s like our Vinny. And I’m like Vinny’s best friend, E, who understands him the most.
And it gets better! Le Puke’s dad, THE HONORABLE JOHN T. MONTAGUE, a SIGMA PI MAN from way back, wants to set us up at the VENETIAN! You guys just need to figure out who’s rooming with who (obviously, as best man, I’m kicking it with J-Dog!). Sorry, but someone has to room with Manx! Hopefully, he won’t CRY ALL NIGHT like he did in Cancun! Hey Manx, you should call Ethan’s therapist! HA! Just playing, player! I know you feel responsible for Keith’s disappearance, but dude walked into the jungle on his own! Nothing you or ANY OF US could do about it! NOTHING!
Balls-O-Matic got fired from his dad’s brokerage firm. They caught him doing coke in the women’s restroom, AGAIN!!! Figured he would bail on us, but he’s still down for Vegas! He can’t wait to GET LOCO with everybody! He also wants to talk to us about a KILLER INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY. Something to do with JAPANESE STEAK KNIVES. He was talking so fast I couldn’t really undersand him, but I guess he’s got a whole presentation he wants to show us. He said he REALLY NEEDS THIS!
Friday afternoon we can hang by the pool, crushing BOMBAY SAPHS and scoping THE TALENT!!! Friday night we’ll pre-party in J-Dog’s master suite (maybe Balls can give his KNIVES presentation then?), and then we’ll cruise to the club! CATCH US RIDIN’ DIRTY!!! (We probably shouldn’t let Le Puke drive. Since Cancun, he’s had two DUIs!! One more and he faces MANDATORY JAIL TIME!!!). Saturday we’ll sleep all day and then hit the STRIP CLUBS!!! Or you guys can, at least. J-Dog wants to see a show, so I bought tickets for ELTON JOHN! I’m not a fan, but he’s a BIG STAR and I figure the crowd will be loaded with SMOKIN’ HOT CHICKS!
Balls-0-Matic wants to know if we can wire him cash, RIGHT NOW, for his JAPANESE STEAK KNIVES FRANCHISE THING! Classic Balls! Whether it’s business or ladies, the dude is ALWAYS CLOSING!
Petey Pete’s out. His dengue fever has turned fatal. It’s now HEMORRHAGIC or something, and he can’t get out of bed. He’s having TERRIBLE HALLUCINATIONS and VOMITING BLOOD! Dude’s SO SICK! That’s what he gets for going with Manx to find Keith in the jungle, instead of getting CRUNK with the rest of us on DR. SIZZLE’S PARTY BOAT!!! (Finding Keith was the responsibility of the MEXICAN AUTHORITIES, and besides, if we didn’t get on the boat, J-Dog would’ve lost his deposit. No way was I letting that happen to J-Dog! ). I texted Petey Pete and told him to KEEP FIGHTING!
Now for the bad news: J-Dog says Allison will only let him come to Vegas for ONE NIGHT! Said he “definitely” can’t make it to ELTON JOHN. I called like a MILLION times to talk sense into him, but he wouldn’t answer. I even stopped by his condo to see what was up, but Allison wouldn’t let me inside. I waited outside their place ALL NIGHT, hoping she would leave, but no luck. It hurts knowing that J-Dog was in there, SUFFERING ALONE.
Manx joined the Order of St Bruno, or the CARTHUSIANS. I guess he’s hoping MONASTIC life will provide some consolation for the PERPETUAL ACHE OF HIS SOUL! He said we all have the MARK OF CAIN upon us for abandoning our bro in the jungle! Whatever! Manx is such a LIGHTWEIGHT!
Maybe you saw it on the news, but Le Puke slammed his Range Rover through the front entrance of Barney’s Beanery! He left the scene of the accident, but highway patrol snagged him a couple hours later on PCH! He was naked and drinking a bottle of Cristal, like a STRAIGHT UP PIMP!!! I guess one of the Barney’s bouncers is on life support, so now THE HONORABLE JOHN T. MONTAGUE says the only option for his son is to jump bail and go to a country that doesn’t have an EXTRADITION TREATY WITH THE UNITED STATES!
PS. Did you get the money I sent? What’s going on with those KNIVES?!
Balls-O-Matic castrated himself. He’s in a PSYCH WARD, so that just leaves the two of us! VEGAS, BABY! VEGAS!!!!
I’m sorry Allison called off the wedding, but I still think we should have your BACHELOR PARTY! Please call me back! PLEASE!!!
Last week, a team of archeologists, digging near the ruins of YAXCHILAN, found a dude living in an ANCIENT BURIAL CHAMBER! He was eating bugs and roots and wearing a tattered pair of cargo shorts! He claimed to be one of the DEATH GODS OF XIBALBA, but because of his BARBED WIRE TATTOO, Mexican authorities were able to identify him as KEITH! Yesterday I visited him at his parent’s house in Sherman Oaks. With an eerie glow in his eyes, he told me that during his time in the jungle he had seen through the GROTESQUE ILLUSION OF REALITY! He said that our refusal to acknowledge CERTAIN EROTIC TRUTHS about who we are, as bros, had turned us into MONSTERS!! In order to redeem all the recent tragedies, from Petey Pete’s GRUESOME DEATH to Dave’s pursuit of a MASTER’S DEGREE IN BUSINESS ADMISTRIATION AT USC, Keith implored us to look deep inside ourselves and finally obey the COMMANDS OF OUR HEARTS!
J-Dog, I love you and I want to spend my life with you! This is 2013, and in some states, bros are allowed to GET MARRIED! I want to be the best man at OUR Wedding! SERIOUSLY, BRO!!! OUR BACHELOR PARTY IS GOING TO BE SO SWEET AND TENDER AND HONEST AND FULL OF LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!