September 1988: I am conceived by a high school soccer coach and part-time nutritionist to Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistible.”

June 1989: I am born in Bethesda, Maryland.

June 1994: My mother gives me my first bike, a royal blue 20" Mongoose Outerlimit, to which I attach lots of Star Wars stickers.

August 1995: I break my wrist attempting to descend all 25 stairs outside the local church on my 20” Mongoose Outerlimit. Despite my pleas, Father Sebastian refuses to give me last rites.

September-November 1995: I play soccer in the Bethesda ankle-biter’s league with a cast on all season. My father coaches us to victory in the heralded ankle-biter’s championship. Everyone in the 2nd grade signs my cast.

August 2003: I enter high school and tell my parents I’d rather focus on making the lacrosse team than play soccer in the fall. My relationship with my father is altered permanently. He leaves for a while with nothing but his Nikes, his guitar, and my bike.

March 2004: I make varsity as a freshman, but rarely see the field.

July 2005: I discover 100% whey protein powder, Chipotle, and Natural Light.

February-May 2006: I break my ankle drunkenly running from the cops after they busted Colton’s epic kegger in Potomac. My parents hire a lawyer and I avoid charges; however, I miss my junior season. My team wins the championship without me.

August 2006: I lose my virginity to Justin Timberlake’s “SexyBack.”

September 2006-January 2007: Princeton and Rutgers recruit me. I choose Princeton.

May 2007: We lose the championship after I miss the cage on the game-tying shot.

June 2007: Beach week in Bethany. The cops bust Shay’s wild luau, but I escape on my seafoam green 26" Kent Beach Cruiser with its signature 12-pack of Natural Light in the basket.

November 2007: I meet Blake, a freshman on the field hockey team, and ask her on a date.

April 2008: After scoring three goals against Syracuse, Blake and I make love for the first time to Kings of Leon’s “Sex on Fire.”

June-August 2008: I spend the summer in New York interning for Bear Stearns.

May 2011: I hit the cage on the game-tying shot in the Ivy League championship, but the goalie makes the save. We lose to Yale. I skip graduation.

May 2012: Blake and I get married. We move to Seattle because Blake is inspired by the ambition shown by the young residents in Grey’s Anatomy.

August 2012: Unsure how to stay in shape without competitive sports, I start attending Soul Cycle.

June 2013: Concerned with how much money I spent on Soul Cycle, Blake buys me a metallic eggplant 21-speed Schwinn Volare 1300.

January 2015: Blake and I make love to Ariana Grande’s “Bang Bang.”

September 2015: I have raced for 11 different charities. I cannot tell you what causes they benefitted, but I can tell you that I broke my personal record each time.

October 2015: Blake gives birth to twins. I want to name them Lance and Mia, but we settle for Phillip and Kara.

January 2016: I am fired for expensing a new bike. Blake is irate.

July 2016: After freelancing as a personal trainer for high school athletes, one boy’s father offers me a job at his firm. He played at Yale.

December 2016: I am heckled for blowing the championship against my boss’ alma mater every day, but the pay is good.

July 2017: I see a Peloton commercial for the first time. The actor looks like me but with more muscle tone, and his home gym is situated in a sunroom overlooking Puget Sound like I originally suggested to Blake. I demand one for Christmas.

December 2018: Blake gets me an off-brand stationary bike and sets it up overlooking the hot water heater in our basement. We divorce.

January 2019: I purchase my own Peloton thanks to their gracious 39-month financing plan. It’s the centerpiece of my new apartment.

July 2019: Despite looking like I did in 2009, Blake wants nothing to do with me. In fact, she’s dating my boss now.

January 2020: I wake up to work out at 4:30 for the 365th consecutive day. I have 12 visible abs.

May 2020: My apartment complex opens a pool, where, like a peacock, I present myself as a virile bachelor with an unlimited supply of energy, kombucha, and Lululemon.

August 2020: Someone calls me “Pool Boy” at happy hour. I do not take it well. Matter of fact, I throw him off the rooftop bar. He dies.

September 2020: I flee to Mexico with $5,000 cash, a forged passport, and my Peloton.

August 2025: I’ve been head cashier at a bootleg Chipotle in Mexico City and working out after for five years now. The locals call me “Becerros Grandes.” My diet contains zero carbs. I have 0% body fat, which has led to difficulties on hot days.

September 2025: I am approached by a member of the Ruiz Cartel. He has watched me exercise atop Mayan pyramids, and asks me if I am interested in making a lot of money. “I don’t know,” I say sheepishly. “Someone at Bear Stearns asked me the same question 18 years ago, and that didn’t turn out so well.” He nods and assures me they don’t need my brains, but my body; past experience ruining lives was simply a plus. He explained that the eldest daughter of the leader, Antonio “El Payaso” Ruiz, is to be wed in six months, and that he’d like to lose 30 pounds by the wedding. I agree to train him.

December 2025: I lose my ring finger to a cigar cutter after suggesting that maybe El Payaso doesn’t want to lose the weight after all.

February 2025: Despite adhering to a six-month training program directly from Peloton, El Payaso only loses 25 pounds. My Peloton and I flee back to America, where I settle under a third identity in a loft above a florist near the French Quarter of New Orleans. My Peloton overlooks the Mississippi River. It, like me, is mighty.

March 2025: So much has changed in America. First off, Donald Trump is dead (heart attack eating McDonald’s in a campaign-trail photo op with unemployed coal miners). More importantly, Peloton is out of business. They were purchased by Tom Brady’s TB12 Method at halftime of last year’s Super Bowl, which he won. Again.

April 2026: I sell my Peloton on Amazon — which purchased Ebay in 2021 — for $300.

September 2026: I take the head coaching position for a local Louisiana lacrosse program using a fake résumé explaining how I played for Yale and won the 2015 Ivy League championship. Training on stationary bikes is strictly prohibited under my watch.

June 2031: We win our 5th consecutive state title on my 42nd birthday. I am featured on the local news. El Payaso catches this footage somehow, and I receive my severed finger in the mail.

August 2031: I show my players the severed finger. “You know what this finger’s missing?” I ask them. “A sixth goddamn ring!” I exclaim. They erupt. I have found my life’s purpose. We celebrate with Natural Light.