Prior to the First World War, most women didn’t shave because bustles, petticoats, and typhoid got in the way. But as soon as sleeveless dresses became fashionable, all anyone could think about was what a lot of hair women had, and how getting rid of it would make the world a more peaceful place. Just imagine what might have happened if women didn’t shave!
In 1915, Gillette created the first women’s razor, called the Milady Décolleté. Despite “les accents aigu” in the product name, most Americans now speak French in the hairy dialect of the Languedoc.
Many people acknowledge that suffrage would never have come about unless women agreed to feel ashamed of their underarm hair. During the Roaring Twenties, advertisers got into the spirit by running “objectionable hair” ad campaigns in fashion magazines. Meanwhile, speakeasies offered women the opportunity to smoke cigarettes, drink booze, and feel self-conscious about their eyebrows.
One of the tragedies of the Second World War is that the slogan “Furry Legs Are a Victory for Hitler” never caught on. Luckily, shortening skirts and the paucity of silk stockings meant that women had to convince others they were still wearing hosiery. At first, they did this through hypnosis, but that became too time-consuming.
By WWII’s end, women were hankering to return to their suburban homes, make gin rickeys, and host dinner parties where people could gaze upon their smooth legs instead of at the jellied beef mold. If a hostess was caught with hair on her legs, she was called a “Hairy Hostess Who Makes Bloody Marys.” Later, that was shortened to “Blood Maker.”
Bathing suit styles changed rapidly in the middle of the 20th century, prompting tastemakers to urge both men and women to remove all hair peeking out of their ever-shrinking swimming costumes. After Hugh Hefner developed an ingrown hair on his groin region, men were widely advised to put health before beauty.
In the 1970s, Communists invaded our thoughts by spreading pernicious lies about women’s “natural” hair being “beautiful.” Indoctrinated radical women stopped shaving until the glamorous Ms. Pacman, hairless as a baby, won back American hearts with her timeless refrain, “Waka waka waka, comrade!”
Did you know? The first Disney Princess without body hair was Snow White. Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty followed soon after. There wasn’t another hairless princess until 1989, when The Little Mermaid introduced the world to Ariel. Ariel was half fish, so it would have made no sense for her to have body hair.
Sex and the City fans will remember a bevy of pubic hair episodes: the one where Carrie gets waxed; the one where Samantha shames Miranda for having pubic hair; the one where Samantha is distraught to find a grey pubic hair; and the one where Miranda lights a match and burns down the Hooters on West 56th Street.
White women are more than twice as likely to groom their pubic hair than non-white women, while white men are more likely to feel empowered by guns.
Did you know? Going “bare down there” is more hygienic, according to people who confuse reality with a porn aesthetic. Though most gynecologists believe that pubic hair acts as a natural barrier against infection, women are more likely to cancel their doctor’s appointment if they haven’t waxed their lady gardens. Each time a woman apologizes to her OB-GYN for not being hairless, an angel learns how to binge and purge.
Ancient Egyptians used a hair removal method called “sugaring,” which is also why when the Israelite slaves crossed the Red Sea, they carried with them yeastless biscuits that doubled as depilatories. Today, women use a variety of hair-removal methods, including waxing, threading, electrolysis, laser beams, and sweet, welcome death.
Scientists are currently developing an innovative hair removal method in which extreme pulses of heat blister and remove the skin permanently, so new hair can’t ever grow again. In the future, women will shave their heads. Men who protest will be shamed into shaving their body hair, especially their pubic hair. Most of these men will be required to use a Gillette razor, but only those whose feelings are hurt by Gillette razor ads. The specialized razor will be called “Miman Téabagué.”