Glad you’re considering coming on board with us! What is it like to work here? Every day is a full-fledged nightmare, every second a nuclear holocaust. I’ve never worked in an environment more toxic than this hellscape. But don’t get me wrong, the people here are amazing!
Take Caroline, for example. She’s our super upbeat CFO who prefers to be called “C-Money.” Before joining the company, C-Money spent decades at Disney, Mattel, and Marlboro. She always rolls into work with a huge smile on her face and a barrel of counterfeit yen at her feet. (One time she rolled the yen over my foot! Haha). C-Money believes life is a dance, and that dance is digital sales. This company is a cancer on society, but I just love Caroline’s energy!
But again, company-wise, it’s bad news bears in here. Every email is a crooked flu shot. Every conference call is like selling your voice to Ursula. With every word you type, your soul fractures into a million Horcruxes of acid droplets that the company collects and reuses in its eternal waterboarding of you.
All that said, I get to work alongside some truly incredible human beings!
I think you’d especially love Leonard. He has so many war stories ranging from a) his time at war to b) his time at war with the war on religion. Leonard exemplifies the curiosity I see in all my mind-bogglingly brilliant coworkers. He never believes what he’s told (by the media), and just this week, he gave an informative presentation about ad optimization, resourcing, and Benghazi. While the company itself is a true cesspool of conspiratorial slime, people like Leonard make every challenge worth it. I cannot believe I get to learn from such legends!
But yeah, in a broad sense, the company is apocalyptic. The office operates atop a minefield of segregated alliances, twice likened in court documents to Narcos. In essence and in literal reality, the company’s reporting structure is shaped like a penis, which is shaped like a rifle. Some say the company’s mission is to launder crypto into Satan’s own S-Corp. Others say it’s an LLC.
But again, I refuse to blame the company’s shortcomings on its astoundingly hard-working people!
There’s this one guy, Perry K., who is just aces. You’d love him. He’s a total whiz-kid developer type. He got promoted to CTO last year after hacking the credit card system at our local Trader Joe’s. (Basically, we get Bitcoin any time someone buys Scandinavian Swimmers). Kids these days, man! I can’t say enough about the freakin’ geniuses who grace these hallways!
Work-wise, the vibe lies somewhere between Theranos and Rikers. When you arrive in the morning you’re immediately sucked into a sinkhole of knives. By 4 PM, you’re drowning in a sea of unsolicited feedback and treason. Last year we were hit with seven SEC lawsuits, each involving a Russian Instagram model named Forest Hollywood. Fraud is so common here that anyone who’s ever visited our website has been put on an FBI watch list. None of us are allowed to use Venmo anymore, and Leonard can’t be near swing sets.
But you just have to meet Meghan — she makes dessert on the weekends!
Whether or not you take the job is ultimately up to you, so take my opinion with a grain of salt. Yes, all corporations are evil — even those who tweet in the first person. Just remember that corporations are not your friends, but people who work for them are.
Hope that helps. You’d be in such great company here!