Emily, Derrick –

Thank you for applying to adopt Scrappy from Wayward Pups Canine Rescue. We regret to inform you that our rigorous vetting has deemed you unsuitable to give our pups a forever home.

However, we like to point rejected applicants to an alternative that scratches a similar caregiving itch without the burden of mandatory classes, interviews, or background checks — having a child. See below for our concerns with your application, and why parenthood may be preferable.

  • Lifestyle: Per your 29-page Applicant Lifestyle Questionnaire, you both spend 16-18 hours per day outside the home, which is “non-negotiable” because you are “allergic to FOMO.” We are afraid Scrappy is a high-energy puppy that needs frequent walks and should never be alone for longer than four hours. Luckily, you can conceive a child tomorrow without consulting anyone, and 36 out of 50 states legally permit parents to leave newborn babies home alone. And talk about low exercise requirements — babies can’t even walk.
  • Housing: According to your six-hour Home Inspection, your 190 square foot apartment has asbestos wallpaper and a single window, which is shattered. Per paragraph 14®(iv) of our Adoption Vetting Criteria Disclosure, this is not a spacious or safe enough environment for Scrappy. However, you are free to produce a human baby, which we hear are also nice companions. And at 8 pounds compared to Scrappy’s 46, a baby would require much less space. It could sleep any number of places — that nook by the sparking electrical wire, the closet with the cans of industrial chemicals, etc.
  • Finances: Upon review of your Adopter Financial Disclosure by a forensic accountant, we were troubled by your listed occupation (“Other-cash only”) and income (“TBD depending on next coca harvest”). Because Scrappy will cost tens of thousands of dollars in adoption fees, food, vet visits, and dog sitting over his lifetime, we insist on a minimum of financial stability in adopters. But lucky you, there is no financial prerequisite to create a human being, or beings (twins!). People even do it on accident, and children basically pay for themselves once they are old enough to run a half-decent Twitch channel.
  • Background Check: During your Veterinary Reference and Background Check, conducted by a former NYPD homicide detective, we were appalled by your histories of reckless, abusive, and downright criminal behavior. We cannot in good conscience place Scrappy in this environment, and your Background Check Appeal Addendum failed to allay our concerns. Hence, we suggest you work through your emotional issues by birthing a human soul who will learn to love and hate by your examples. You might not be ready for a dog yet, but having a child is an accessible way to expand your family while you resolve Emily’s “temper issues” and Derrick’s “unconventional philosophy on firearms safety.”
  • Vaccinations: Finally, Derrick’s refusal to sign the Adopter Commitment to Vaccinate disqualifies you. At Wayward Pups we take canine health extremely seriously, which is why we — and most vets, trainers, and state and local governments — require you vaccinate. However, you are free to raise a member of the fragile public health landscape by your belief that vaccines are, as Derrick put it, “just how the intergalactic crypto-Jews siphon our testicular manna.” We read kids actually strengthen their immune systems by playing in dirt, so presumably it works the same way with diphtheria.

We are sure this is disappointing, but this process is carefully regulated for a reason. Some things are too important to mess up.

Wayward Pups Canine Rescue