Last week I made $76,297.97 through a combination of selling my online course on training parrots to speak basic French, affiliate marketing links for high-end hemorrhoid cream, and teaching other people how to teach other people how to freelance.

But it wasn’t always easy.

Hello. Stop whatever you’re doing and keep reading. I guarantee this will change your life. In the unlikely event that it doesn’t, please keep in mind that I am not legally responsible. This is not medical advice.

Growing up, I had one dream: to create quality content for exclusive, high-paying clients in the business-to-business cryptocurrency marketing niche. I spent my twenties grinding in the trenches of my parents’ nine-bathroom cabin in Montana. But after a decade, I realized that I was not going to be able to create clean and concise copy perfect for taking your business to the next level on any social media platform.

Devastated, I moved back to New York, where my father had a pitiful job waiting for me as an investment banker for Goldman Sachs. Looking out at Central Park from my 5th Ave penthouse, I wondered how I could have let things get so bad. I was stuck in a dead-end job with only two months paid vacation and a quarter-million Hanukkah bonus. I felt completely empty inside.

Four years ago, I was just like you: so depressed I couldn’t even do cocaine off a prostitute without breaking into tears.

Sensing something was up, my boss pulled me aside.

“Was there something wrong with the cocaine?” he asked.

“The cocaine was fine, Dad,” I said, wiping away my tears with the same $500 we used to snort the cocaine the night before. “I just feel like I’m supposed to be doing something more meaningful with my life.”

I quit my job that day. But then I withdrew my resignation and stayed another month so I could collect my $50K Martin Luther King Day bonus.

Let me let you in on a little secret that you can let others in on who can let others in on: If you want to achieve true financial freedom, all you need is a basic laptop, an internet connection, and a twelve-bathroom underground bunker in Russia where you can hide out until the fraud charges and IRS audit blow over.

You don’t need an English degree or years of writing experience. Your basic French-speaking parrot could teach other people how to teach other people how to freelance.

For just $199, my downloadable, completely free, virus-riddled, 26-page PDF will unlock all 196 little secrets of quitting your 9-5, becoming your own boss, and teaching millions how to teach millions how to teach millions how to freelance. I promise you will have made between $3 and $64,000 by this time next week, or by this time next week in ten years.

Jessica C. downloaded my PDF and taught Kristin K. and Jenna Y. how to teach Bradlee M. how to corner the Houston CBD-freelance niche. Even better, Jessica’s hemorrhoids are basically gone.

Subscribe to my mailing list, and I will hand-deliver a leather-bound Word document straight to your inbox, giving you all the ingredients needed for success where the REAL money is: teaching people how to teach people how to teach people how to ski.

These days, everyone is following their dreams. Why not follow mine?