The admissions committee has reviewed your application, and we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a place at Yale. This is because your essay read like the closing narration of a teen rom-com.
When asked to answer the question, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” you wrote that you wanted to be “as patient as Billy and as joyful as Jess.” I cannot stress this enough: the admissions committee does not know who these people are.
Though we were saddened to read about your issues with “Billy” and your difficulty determining whether or not he was cheating with “Sarah,” we cannot accept your claim that you “came to know the meaning of hardship” while trying to get your widowed father to date your next-door neighbor.
And while we must commend you for volunteering to help the aged, we are troubled that you seem to have used your time with “Winifred” to determine whether you should date “Billy” or “Max” without asking her a single question about the husband she lost in World War II. We didn’t think comparing Winifred’s strength in single-handedly raising six children to your strength in deciding to be your own prom date because you “need to love yourself before you love Billy or Max” was quite as impactful as you seemed to think it was.
While we sympathize that it turned out Max only wanted to date you to win a bet he made with the football team, we are troubled by your assertion that you “showed them” by “taking off your glasses.” In the future, we recommend reporting such gross acts of sexual harassment to a teacher or trusted authority figure. Also, please wear your glasses.
The committee was particularly disturbed by your essay’s conclusion, which read as though you were setting us up for some kind of sequel. It is not enough — when applying to one of the most hallowed universities in the world — to close your essay by repeating the question, “Where do I want to be in five years?” with the word “So” in front of it. It is especially insulting to then write, “Well… we’ll just have to wait and see…”
Overall, the committee felt your essay would have made more sense if it was accompanied by a video montage showing you and “Billy” reconciling, “Jess” finally kissing one of those marching band nerds, and maybe “Sarah” catching the bouquet at your dad’s second wedding then winking at “Max” — to help wrap things up neatly.
Your application was evidently a secondary consideration in a clearly complicated life, so we thank you again for taking the time to consider Yale.
Best wishes for the sequel,
Yale University Admissions