Dear Fellow Alumni,

I write to you to address the recent controversy over our college’s long-standing mascot, Sir Racist Von Genocide. Clad in his flowing white robes and hood, he has been a traditional fixture on our campus. To my utter astonishment, after this year’s homecoming, many current students have called him “culturally insensitive” and demanded we replace him.

Yes, during Homecoming, he did erect a Confederate statue on the field while shouting a full-throated defense of eugenics into the loudspeaker. But what are we supposed to do? Buy entirely new sweatshirts?

We cannot replace tradition. We cannot replace Sir Racist Von Genocide.

I implore you to remember the good times. Who can say Sir Racist Von Genocide hasn’t gotten them into the school spirit?

Remember how each year, Sir Racist Von Genocide would kick off the season by burning a cross on the field? Are we not allowed to storm the field when we win a game either?

Remember how Sir Racist Von Genocide would blame bad weather on the Irish? Just like he did when my father was in school and my father’s father!

Remember the away games? When Sir Racist Von Genocide would insist on measuring the skulls of the opposing team’s minority athletes and then tease them about their “inferior breeding”? Will that tradition just go away? How am I supposed to explain that to my son, who has a legacy spot saved?

If we replace Sir Racist Von Genocide, where do we draw the line? Will we raze our hallowed halls? Will we change our street names? Will we forbid the a cappella group from singing “Let’s All Point and Laugh at the Nearest Marginalized Ethnic Group”?

Will we have to ban every fraternity the next time a freshman dies? What about if they’re only seriously injured? This is a slippery slope, my friends.

This all brings me to the Homecoming incident. I understand that there is worry about how minority students are feeling, particularly those on sports teams. Well, I want to assure you and them that our traditional mascot does not mean their school is “racist” or “promotes genocide.” Having Sir Racist Von Genocide as our mascot honors the legacy of our school and community, which does contain some light genocide.

I also don’t see how some of you thought Sir Racist Von Genocide was giving the audience a “Nazi Salute.” It was clearly a motionless wave!

Further, I’ve heard some say that Sir Racist Von Genocide simply is not “modern” enough. They obviously didn’t see him shoot copies of the classic poem “White Man’s Burden” by Rudyard Kipling out of his new T-shirt cannon.

And, if Sir Racist Von Genocide goes away, we can forget about our older alumni funding for our new Olympic-sized swimming pool with the Confederate Flag on the bottom.

So, fellow alumni, I beseech you to, before you make a decision, look at the post-game pictures you’ve taken with Sir Racist Von Genocide and his corkboard connecting Jewish students to globalist conspiracies.

You must consider which you care more about: our sacred memories and traditions or, as the radical students say, “critical thinking and basic human decency.”

In closing, allow me to quote our fight song:

Old Sir Racist Von Genocide,
You fill our hearts with pride,
You’ll fight for who is right,
As long as they are white.

Old Sir Racist Von Genocide
We know you’re on our side,
Against the enemy, you’ll turn the tide,
Exactly which enemy is implied.

Oh Run, Run the Races,
Then Kill, Kill the Other Races.
Win, Win the Game
Then Win, Win the Race War!

A Concerned Alumnus