And so, it came to pass that Moses was clocking out of his day job and heading off to his DoorDash side gig. For though he possessed multiple degrees and had been with his company for over a decade, he still labored under the combination of rising rent, inflation, and student debt. Thus, he needed a side hustle to keep his head above water.
He was picking up an order from Burning Bush Bar & Grille when he came upon a man holding a sign that read, LET OUR STUDENT DEBT GO. Moses thought, “I will go over and see this strange sight.”
“Moses, Moses!” The dude with the sign cried out, peering over his Ray-Bans. “It is I, THE LORD your God. I have observed the misery of your people and have come to deliver you to financial freedom.”
Humbly, Moses knelt before him. “O, LORD, how is it that my people are still beholden to Navient? Didn’t President Biden run on a campaign of loan forgiveness?”
THE LORD sighed. “He had good intentions. But since he has been in office, Joe Manchin has hardened his heart. Therefore, you must go to Biden and demand that he let your student debt go.”
Moses felt his hands grow clammy. “Who am I to go to Biden? I am slow of speech and slow of tongue and generally awkward in every social situation.”
“That is why you must tweet about it,” THE LORD said. “I will make the algorithm favorably disposed to you, and Elizabeth Warren shall retweet it.” Moses took out his phone and began typing furiously.
@POTUS: LET OUR STUDENT DEBT GO!
“Suppose he does not listen to me?” Moses fretted once the tweet had been sent.
“Oh, he’ll listen,” THE LORD said. “You’ve already gone viral, and BuzzFeed is making a listicle.”
So, Moses went to Capitol Hill and had a meeting with Biden. “You promised to reduce the $1.7 trillion student loan debt,” Moses said. “But you’ve been president for a year now and haven’t delivered. The time has come to let our loan repayments go.”
“I know what I said,” Biden replied. “But I hadn’t counted on so much pushback from the centrists. Besides, you knew what you were getting into when you signed those promissory notes. What if I granted your people $10,000 worth of forgiveness instead?”
Moses shook his head. “It is not enough. My generation toils day and night. They are chained to the gig economy, and still, they cannot even afford to buy an eight-hundred-square-foot starter house. The time has come to let our student loans go.”
Biden looked weary. “Is it really necessary to pursue so many degrees? In my day, we didn’t waste our time and money with things like low-res MFAs. We got a nine-to-five job, and in thirty years, we could afford to retire with a beach house.”
“Yes,” said Moses. “But the minimum wage hasn’t been increased since 2007, while inflation has increased by an estimated total of 631 percent since the 1970s. The only thing that has remained affordable is Costco’s $1.50 hot dog deal.”
But lo, Biden had fallen asleep. And Moses sat there awkwardly watching TikToks because he wasn’t sure what the protocol was for waking a sitting president.
“Let our student debt go,” Moses repeated once Biden awoke. “For if you refuse, boomers shall be afflicted with a series of millennial plagues. The nation will teem with participation trophies for every child on every recreational sports team—regardless of their skill or effort!”
“You wouldn’t,” Biden gasped. But Moses absolutely would. And so, Biden watched in horror as celebratory pizza parties were held for little league teams nationwide, even those with losing seasons.
The next day, Moses returned to the White House. “Let our student debt go, Joe, or the plagues will keep coming.”
“I’m trying my best!” Biden wailed. “But it’s not clear if I have the authority to unilaterally cancel debt. Can’t we compromise on a sixth extension?”
But Moses stood his ground, despite his aversion to confrontation. For the next eight days, boomers were struck by a series of plagues. Babies left their houses slightly under-dressed for the current temperature. Online banking became mandatory. Televisions sat dark because millennials refused to help their parents sign into Netflix. CBS stopped making new CSIs and removed the laugh tracks from their half-hour sitcoms. And worst of all, every line at the grocery store was self-checkout.
On the ninth day, Moses returned to the White House. “Let our student debt go,” he said. “Or tonight, there will be one final plague, worse than any of the others you have seen, for I shall smite your Facebook.”
That night, a loud cry was heard throughout the land, for in every home, THE LORD had struck down the Facebook accounts of everyone born between 1946 and 1964. Boomers could no longer post zoomed-in photos of their grandchildren or send anti-vax Minion memes to friends they hadn’t seen since high school.
Desperate, Biden summoned Moses. “Fine, you win! Your debts have been forgiven! Rise up, go away from us boomers, and circulate wealth back into the economy.”
Millennials rejoiced in their new land, which overflowed with dairy-free milk varieties and local honey, and paid their rent in full.
And then, they helped their parents sign into Netflix.