Greetings, insignificant voters, political pundits, and Democratic presidential candidates.
It is I, He-Who-Voted-Twice-For-Barack-But-Then-Once-For-Donald. I have descended from my airy mount in MichWisconSylvania to proclaim my commandments unto you, those Americans not imbued with the divine power of Living In A Swing State. Supplicate me! For if you do not, then lo, I shall rain fire and brimstone down upon your once-fertile Eden in the form of a Second Trump Term.
Here are some things you may do to avoid my wrath. Although, keep in mind that I may vote for him again anyway, for I am a fickle god.
Give me your free healthcare, but do not force me to take it.
The choice must feel like it is mine.
This commandment may appear mysterious to those who dwell on the Coasts, but in truth, it is plain as day. I desire Better Coverage and a remedy to the Broken System, but I bristle at the notion of being made to do anything. I am proud! I do not take handouts! The government shall never tell me what to do! Thus, I do advise thee: Tease me a little bit. Make me feel like I am in control. Then, and only then, shall I accept this gift. And be warned! If you come on too strong, I shall grow leery and retreat to my Voting Booth, where I may pull the lever for whomsoever I choose.
Praise the Sacred Industry of Manufacturing
If you desire my favor, then you must loudly proclaim your unwavering support for my most favorite of industries: automobile manufacturing. Acknowledge its primacy as the chosen job field of Real Americans. Stand in awe of the might of Chrysler, for it has created the PT Cruiser! And if you genuinely seek my Vote, then you shall make a pilgrimage to the Holy Temple of General Motors in Detroit, Michigan, and anoint yourself in the automotive grease of the assembly line. And remember! I would prefer not to bestow my hallowed Vote upon our current president because I have serious misgivings about his character and policies, but if I think for a moment that your worship of manufacturing rings insincere, I shall turn my back on you and give America four more years of MAGA without a second thought.
Renounce the Coasts
To earn my Vote, you must forswear all ties to our country’s Coasts, be they West or East. In particular, you must reject any connection to the Unholy Trinity: California, New York, and the fetid hell swamp of Washington, DC. Though in the past you may have lived or worked in these godless wastelands, you must now cast off their influence and pledge allegiance to the One True Kingdom of America: The Heartland. It is preferable that you do so with engaging personal stories about working-class family members from this holy region. Swear that your time working or studying in prestigious institutions of higher learning was an errant mistake of a frivolous youth, and that you now realize that college is bad. (That said, it should also be free.) Swear that corn is good, that cash is king, and that coal is clean. If you take these holy vows, then take solace in knowing I may bequeath my Vote unto you.
But nothing is for certain; as the waves washing upon the shore are ever-changing, so too are my affections, and thus I will 95% for sure vote for Donald Trump again anyway. What can I say: I move in mysterious ways.