MICHAEL: I know you’re upset, but can you please stop rubbing your face? If “thoughts and prayers” is our official national response to a pandemic, I need you to be more vigilant about your personal sanitation.
ALEXANDRA: By all means, Michael. Tell me again how I, a woman, am handling yet another thing ALL WRONG.
MICHAEL: I am not saying that, Alex. Do you have everything you need for the impending quarantine? A heating pad? Your self-care fanny pack? The new Rebecca Solnit memoir?
ALEXANDRA: It’s not out until next week. They probably tied the release to International Woman’s Day, which, in a perfect metaphor for our country’s inability to even NOTICE the qualified female candidate, IS NOT EVEN FUCKING MENTIONED on my “Radical Calendar.”
MICHAEL: They noticed her, Alex. They just don’t like her. As the Vox article pointed out—
ALEXANDRA: I READ THAT ARTICLE, MICHAEL. Educated women are gross in the eyes of anyone who is not another educated woman. I get it already. America would much rather share outright falsehoods on their social media and boycott Corona beer to combat the spread of disease than take direction from a woman. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.
MICHAEL: I’m a little confused about why you are this upset, Alex. I mean…she was your third choice.
ALEXANDRA: And you think Kamala no longer being in the race is unrelated? How are we back here again with two old white dudes? Goddamnit, my WOMEN FOR WARREN shirt HASN’T EVEN SHIPPED YET!
MICHAEL: I’ll wear it. The guys at my capoeira class love it when I wear your BITCHES FOR HILLARY tank top.
ALEXANDRA: I know we’re supposed to go high, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t secretly hoping Bernie contracts COVID-19 pneumonia, realizes he’s too old to run, drops out, and endorses Liz.
MICHAEL: That’s about as secret as Meghan Markle’s disdain for the monarchy. Weren’t you working on a gratitude list of all the good qualities each candidate held?
ALEXANDRA: I was working at being more positive, so here’s an upside — at least you will get the chance to vote for your precious Bernie when our primary finally rolls around at the end of April.
MICHAEL: Oh, I can’t vote for Bernie this time. He broke up Public Enemy.
MICHAEL: Yeah, Chuck D has been stumping for Bernie under the brand of Public Enemy, and Flavor Flav is not having it. I’m not 100% sure where Killer Mike is on the issue.
ALEXANDRA: Wow. I…
MICHAEL: I told you, I’ve been making a point of paying more attention to Black Twitter. Black Twitter is behind Uncle Joe. Maybe we should listen. And say what you want, but twenty points to Buttigieg who went to Selma after dropping out of the race. Biden could pick a worse running mate.
ALEXANDRA: And I guess the upside of VP Pete in the eyes of my small-minded countrymen is one less woman in the White House.
MICHAEL: I don’t want to suggest you need to calm down, but… whoa.
ALEXANDRA: Don’t. Isn’t calling it “Black Twitter” offensive? Like how we’re supposed to say “black voters” instead of “the black vote?”
MICHAEL: Let me ask Black Twitter real quick…
ALEXANDRA: At least Bloomberg is out. I’ll toast to Liz for her part in that. And for what might have been. Pour me some of that vodka you’re holding.
MICHAEL: Oh, you don’t want this any more than Melania wants to face Jill Biden in a cage match. This stuff makes the well-vodka we drank in our 20s taste high class. Think of this as the Chris Matthews of vodka — consumable in a pinch, but you won’t likely notice they’re no longer carrying it.
ALEXANDRA: I thought you were going to run down to Chelsea and get some more of that locally distilled stuff in anticipation of having to shelter in place.
MICHAEL: That’s an agenda item for next week. This week I’m focused on BPA-free canned goods. And, since the entire tri-state area is sold out of the mass-produced variety, finding the perfect DIY hand sanitizer recipe — hence the vodka. It’s even more fun than fermenting kombucha! Do we want lavender-infused to calm our nerves or cayenne to remind us not to touch our mucus membranes without thorough hand washing?
ALEXANDRA: I’m still not sure that’s the best use of vodka now nor in the months to come, Michael. We better pick up some non-dairy powdered creamer. White Russians feel like an entirely apt cocktail choice for an election year quarantine.