Thank you for your patience as we continue with our telehealth platform for all non-urgent doctor appointments. Be sure to follow the directions below to ensure a successful video call.

1. We will send you a link via text message to confirm your appointment. Please respond with “Y” to confirm, “2” to reschedule, or “C” to receive more details about your car’s warranty.

2. We will send this text message immediately after you receive this email, which is 19 days before your scheduled appointment. We will also omit your doctor’s name to make any attempt at searching for this text message as ineffective as possible.

3. You will have to download an app for the video call. The download link for this app will arrive via carrier pigeon on the third Sunday of the month between 9 AM and 7 PM.

4. Alternatively, you may use your internet browser, but please note the link will only operate on Netscape Navigator, version 2.3. (Important: if you attempt to log on with Chrome or Safari, you will be allowing a plethora of skilled hackers with untoward motives and constant video surveillance of your home.)

5. As a security measure, we will require you to explain NFTs in ten words or less.

6. Also, to prove you are not a robot, you must select all the squares featuring murderous clowns. (Hint: They’re hiding out of sight.)

7. You must grant permission for our app and Elon Musk to access your video, microphone, and the inner workings of your cognitive dreamscape.

8. Click “yes” when prompted to fill out a nine-page eCheck-in questionnaire featuring a “submit” button that will be hidden by various pop-up ads, requiring horizontal scrolling, reconfiguration of your screen settings, and a potential Genius Bar appointment.

9. Once you’ve entered the video chat, you will be placed into a virtual waiting room featuring a black screen. If you ask yourself, “Has my WiFi gone out?” or “Does the doctor even know I’m here?” or “Am I in purgatory?” you are in the right place.

10. If your video call does not start in the time it takes for you to solve for X in the below algebra equation, please call the office at the phone number listed in the original confirmation text and choose option 6F to reach an operator.

11. Following your video call, we will reach out with a survey asking about your experience from a blocked number. Ignoring this call will reset your yearly insurance deductible. Also, a murderous clown will be assigned to hunt you down and conduct the survey in person.