Thanks for carving out some bandwidth to swing by mi oficina for a pow-wow! Mind if I put my heels up on the ’hogany? I like to keep things caj.

We haven’t had a chance to touch base yet since I work from home tres day-ches a week and rotate the days to keep peeps on their toe-blerones. My name is Cool Boss, my favorite emoji is the shaka, and my favorite show is “The Orwell.” I grew up in Delaware (reppin’ the 3-0-2!) but affect this desperate SoCal vibe. I call everyone “dude” and overuse the term “out of pocket,” which doesn’t mean what I think it means. Please don’t correct me.

When I’m in of pocket, the best way to ping me is to send a Google Invite to a Skype sesh, then when I no-show for the Skype sesh, Slack me a link to a Basecamp task with a Google Doc that explains whatever the thing is we need to talk about but never will. Then save the Google Doc as an Excel spreadsheet and close the task on Trello. Preesh!

Seriously though, do not think of me — your boss — as your boss. I don’t want us to have that funky tension that hangs between a superior person and an inferior person. Honestly? I don’t want us to have a professional relationship at all.

Mmk, squad goals: Our team is going to be proactive, reactive, interactive — PRI — Public Radio International — yup, I’m talkin’ about earned media. Nobody wants to get a big fat media burrito, shove it down their chew-hole, and then feel a little rumble that says they didn’t earn it. That’s a surefire way to clog the growth toilet.

We’re gonna scale up while scaling back — you feel me, dawg? At the end of the day, I want everyone in this office covered in scales. Hashtag dragon energy. That reminds me: I need to micromanage our social accounts even though I think Snapchat is a type of music.

Ya, I like to do things a little differently, by which I mean badly. To witbier, I’ve been crunching some numb-numbs and I’ve got a smoking hot role for you fresh out the HR oven. Lemme slide this meaty gig on over so you can get a whiff.

How would you like to freelance… full-time… for companies that aren’t this one? (mimes head explosion) Did I just blow your brain matter all over your face? Yes! That is a pink slipper I just handed you, and it fits like a foot-glove. We’ll make sure you get two weeks’ severino, amigo, once you sign this little non-discloj. Raaaadical.

Oh hey, before you split, let me show you this hilarious “Orwell” clip of a guy being shot out an airlock. I think you’ll totally dig it.