Happy Thanksgiving! Though historical evidence indicates that the Pilgrims were not cannibals, if they had been, they probably would have eaten the children first, because children require a lot of resources and can’t offer much in terms of productive labor.

Merry Christmas! Here’s hoping you don’t find coal in your stocking, as its dust contains several known carcinogens.

Congrats to the recent grad! As you enter the real world for the first time, keep in mind that though a human brain may weigh 3 pounds when freshly removed, after a few weeks in a woodshed it will have lost most of that mass.

Happy Easter! May the blood of Jesus, spilled for you, splatter your holiday with warm crimson cheer.

It’s a girl! We share our heartfelt congratulations, and assure you, during this time of joy, that, in light of modern safety standards, the chances are very low that she will one day be mutilated in a slaughterhouse accident.

To my best friend, who has been with me through the good times and the bad, except for that one night last March when I came home covered in hobo blood. It’s best that you weren’t there for that.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Your ATM pin is 4365.