When: Now. Hurry.

Where: Our dad’s house. Upstairs in that deluxe fancy red carpeting near our bedrooms that we call REDWOOD HALL. It’s next to the blue bathroom where we have the Glade fights. Look for a massive air tent. Do you make air tents? We are experts. You just take the huge GE metal fan out of Dad’s room and drag it into REDWOOD HALL. Then you take our sister’s Kliban-The-Cat sheet and get underneath it. Weight down the edges with phone books and Dad’s humongous Scrabble dictionary. Now turn the air on MAX and see how truly awesome it is. It provides privacy, shelter, and entertainment just like our ancestors the slaves.

Who: Me and my brother Dan and not our sister Rachel who always has her door shut.

What: A Passover Seder! We will serve baloney slices in many Passover styles. We will have baloney matzo, and a paper Seder plate with circles drawn on it with real baloney in each circle. There will be a baloney-afikoman-slice to search for. We will fill many Dixie cups with water and practice dipping our fingers in the plagues. The water from the blue bathroom is delicious, and we can float the cups in the bathtub and pretend they are Baby Moshe-in-a-basket. Don’t forget about the baloney-afikoman-slice or Dad will say a mouse died in the wall or someone needs to wash their feet.

Bring: Baloney or funny jokes or songs to sing directly into the fan. We will sing the Four Questions and it will sound like Small Wonder or The Chipmunks. Dan will sing Ozzy’s “CRAZY TRAIN.” He might get Dad’s guitar and play “Hubaynubaynah,” which sounds like a song from Dad’s chorus in that language. Maybe I will sing “Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I LUVYA Tomorrow” just exactly like Aileen Quinn until everyone in our entire house starts yelling, “SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPNOW” and then Dad yells, “‘Please be quiet’ is much nicer!” And then I will cry because our blessed Seder is over.

Why: Because I will bring my copy of Free Stuff For Kids and we can decide what free stuff we want while we are sitting in the massive air tent. Like all that Smoky-the-Bear junk I got but never got anything else from that book, even though I sent for it and waited. We can also look through that Kliban book Whack Your Porcupine with the pervert drawings. I like to look at the one of that man lying with his head on a butt that says “Sorting it all out.” What does that mean? I can’t believe he is even lying on a butt and that you can see the cheeks. It’s so gross and I can’t even stop staring at it.

Please come right now to REDWOOD HALL and celebrate our beautiful Seder with us! Hurry because Dad is going to make us shutoff the air tent soon because we are wasting so much electricity.