Get yourself ready

Put on your skin suit. Make sure it is snug-fitting and facing the right way in case he wants to fornicate later. Skin-suit malfunctions can wreak havoc on intimate moments and completely destroy the illusion that you’re human.

Fold your cryogenic sleep chamber back into the wall. Putting yourself into sleep mode for the full twenty-two minutes should leave you alert and fresh for his arrival, providing the energy needed to conduct spells long after he’s gone to bed.

Add human attributes, like jaunty lipstick, jewelry, fingernails, and hair. Try to be consistent when picking out hair. Human husbands are easily confused by frequent hair color changes and may accidentally mate with the wrong wife.

Ready the domicile

Clean up the blood. Don’t skimp here. It doesn’t matter where the blood came from or why there is so very, very much of it. Just get it all cleaned up before he gets home and finds out about your whole deal.

Hide your toad army.1 This one is important. Though it may seem thankless to stash away the loyal amphibians that helped you prevail in the daily battle between good and evil, they will need to rest before waging a fresh battle again tomorrow. Remember: your husband married you; not your toads.

1 Unless your prenup included the coveted toad inclusion clause, in which case the army shall reign over the household with impunity.)

Prepare a meal

A few days before the victory feast, set aside some time to dress and prepare one of the least ravaged war spoils for your table. When possible, preserve colossal beast horns torn off in battle, hollowing out for later use as interplanetary war bugles. DO NOT ALLOW YOUR HUMAN HUSBAND TO TOY WITH YOUR COLOSSAL BEAST HORN, as they wield much power and can inadvertently summon the eternal hell-winds of destruction.

Keep his chalice overflowing with the fluid of his choice. Don’t worry about running out. Membranes like yours were made to produce. Don’t forget to continually add the hypnosis powder so he never, ever finds out you’re not human.

Ready the children

Identify which of the offspring are yours and send the rest back out into the woods. Look for the telltale birthmark, the alchemical symbol for Sulphur, under the hair at the nape of the neck to determine which are yours.

Adjust their skin suits and dress them in clean clothes for the feasting ceremony. Make sure they all look exactly the same and are not speaking above a low-decibel monotone when he walks in the door. He will be glad to see the product of his earth-seed neatly coifed and behaving in a human-like manner after his long day.

Some don’ts

Don’t attempt to impress him by revealing your secret eyeball or ability to shed and regrow appendages on command. This is his time to unwind and human husbands don’t like to be upstaged.

Don’t regale him with your stories of having saved the galaxy by defeating Thartorus, the intergalactic space beast of Hades sent to unravel the invisible threads that bind the universe. Let him talk about his day instead. His hedge funds or blueprints or whatever are far more important than your secret vocation as Undefeated Intergalactic Battle Warrior.

Don’t complain if his skin suit appears worn out and leaks under the arms, or from any other area, for that matter. Remember — he’s been wearing it since birth and you get to take yours off whenever you go into cryogenic sleep mode or wage battle with your toad army.

Using these simple tips, you should be able to achieve a very convincing assimilation of a totally Earth-like human wife. And, if he somehow finds out the truth, you can always annex his soul and recycle it into fuel for your ship when it’s time to return to Tritopatus.