“I see the media is working overtime speculating where I am & what I’m doing. Rest assured, I’m here at the @WhiteHouse w my family, feeling great, & working hard on behalf of children & the American people!” — Melania Trump, May 30, 2018

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Hello, it is me, Melania Trump, ecstatic First Lady of the United States. As you know, the media has been making a big stink about how I have not been seen in public for nearly three weeks since a minor kidney procedure.

This has led many to believe that I am sicker than the White House let on or that I have finally come to my senses and fled the country and my marriage for the hills of Slovenia, those beautiful, beautiful hills, which are so, so very far away from here.

But that is simply not the case! I, Melania Trump, have been visiting with our nation’s fine children to learn about bullying and the terrible effects it can have. I certainly have not been spending three consecutive weeks standing super still in a White House hallway disguised as a pillar to avoid my husband. But if I were, I would be appalled that Donald has not once asked where I was.

How could you miss me, silly people? It’s me, Melania. I have been in the White House this whole time, meeting with my staff and planning some truly wonderful events. There is no way that I am actually getting my affairs in order so I can fake my own death and have my staff hold an elaborate funeral for me while I board a private jet and fly to my hometown of Sevnica, the only place where I truly feel free.

Really, it is time for you to stop speculating. It is not nice. I am Melania Trump, the First Lady of the United States, and I have been very busy planning the White House’s Fourth of July celebration, and not at all trying to squint so hard that I make myself disappear. That would be preposterous. It doesn’t work either.

You there! Turn around! It is me, Melania! I am right here! I am nowhere else. Look, I am right behind you! Ah, you just missed me. Oh well. I’ll catch you next time. Help me, please. I’m fine! I can’t do this anymore. Don’t worry about me! This was not what I signed up for. Everything is A-OK!