Riley and I are so grateful to celebrate our love with you! Having our friends and family there when we say “I do,” is all we could ever ask for. We truly want for nothing, save for a picnicking backpack, $800 worth of various cheeseboards, and the 168 other items on our wedding registry.

We share the type of bond that can carry us through anything, but it can’t carry our wine glasses and picnic blanket to an outdoor concert the way a $115 picnicking backpack can. And though a love as true as ours could insulate us from all sorts of things life could throw at us, it can’t insulate our picnic charcuterie at the perfect temperate like the thermal shield section of this Picnic at Ascot backpack. Please help us celebrate the majesty of marriage by buying this for us, because nothing says “putting away our childish things” like a little knapsack we can use on playdates with our friends.

And we are so grateful to have friends like you! Friends who understand that Riley and I have the kind of love you find in love songs, like the Monkees’ classic “All You Need Is Love.” That song definitely describes us, but in addition to love, we also need several dozen cheese boards crafted from every conceivable material. Slate, marble, the type of gold they use on space shuttles — we want to slap cheese on all of those things. We also need about forty boards made out of something called “acacia,” which is a type of wood, apparently, that no registry would be complete without. True, we typically just eat cheese in our pajamas, straight from the fridge like most people, but don’t we have the sort of the love that warrants $800 worth of dramatic serving platforms to luxuriously present small bites from?

After that, there’s nothing more we could ask for except the other 168 items on our registry. This includes various kitchen wares from Le Creuset (which is French for “The Expensive”), several blenders that each cost as much as a used car, a set of knives that we will never figure out how to use for their designated purposes, and of course a bunch of things made out of “acacia,” which is a type of wood, that, again, no registry would be complete without. We’re also asking for a whole range of items that cost fifty times more at the bougie place we registered than anywhere else, such as a $90 toilet paper holder and a whole bunch of dumb-ass vases. And we’d hate to not get one of those KitchenAid stand mixers because what else is the point of going through with this wedding thing if you can’t park one of those on your counter?

If this sounds like a lot, please, don’t get us wrong: Riley and I truly don’t need anything. Not just because we have a love that fulfills us completely, but because we’ve already lived together for two years and actually furnished our house a while ago.

We’re so grateful that you can attend our special day! And if you cannot, we understand, as we expected that not everyone we’d invite would be able to make it out to our wedding; please know we sent you invitations anyway because we still expected you to buy us stuff.

Thank you all in advance for your gifts! We promise we’ll never use any of them!