When dealing with hedge mazes, the word “impossible” gets thrown around a lot, but I must say the Smith County hedge maze is just that. I, being of sound mind and body, also must say that in the very likely instance I don’t find a way out of this well cultivated labyrinth of death, I want my worldly possessions divided amongst my wife, Vanessa, my family, and my friends—but not my editor at the Smith Gazette, Mr. Dobbs, who sent me out on this assignment.

The sixty square acre maze features confusing twists and turns that could fool even the greatest of navigators. Ronald Dawson, the maze’s curator and former Smith High star punter, assured me before I entered that it could provide “fun for the whole family,” and I don’t disagree. However, I would recommend leaving one member of your family out of the festivities so they may claim your inheritance and make sure your last name continues on in things other than just missing persons lists.

Full of symmetric passages bearing similar-looking statues, you’ll lose track of time, concepts of direction, and any semblance of cell phone reception the second you enter the maze, which opened yesterday (or maybe two-six days ago? Time exists not in this spiral of woe) to kick off the 33rd annual Autumn Festival. The center of the maze features a small pumpkin patch designed by children from Jefferson Elementary. The patch not only displays fall’s favorite squash beautifully, but it can also sustain a full-grown man for several days if necessary.

If you plan on adventuring into the maze yourself (DON’T DO IT), I recommend bringing comfortable shoes, sunscreen, and an absolutely positive understanding of the location of the North Star. Also, pick up a tasty glass of apple cider at Mrs. Dawson’s cider stand before you enter or you’ll regret it. Much like how I regret the fact that I won’t get to see my little Susan grow up to be a beautiful woman astronaut.

The maze’s walls are comprised of boxwood plants that stand over six feet high and are unreasonably thick and certainly unclimbable. This marks a change from last year’s maze, which used evergreens and didn’t kill anyone. Of course with all of the fall foliage, I must issue a reminder to allergy sufferers to plan accordingly. I must also remind my attorney to set aside a $5,000 vengeance clause to anyone who burns down Mr. Dobbs’ office at the newspaper, his home, or his person.

I was informed that come Halloween, a scavenger hunt will be held and the maze will be decked out with spooky decorations and costumed employees providing fun scares and thrills. My hope is that this review and my body, which I wish to be donated to science or mathematics, will be discovered during the hunt and thus explain my disappearance. I certainly hope I’m not scrawling all of this into the dirt just for myself and the spirit of the maze, which undoubtedly exists. The spirit refuses to let me leave, but has consented to bearing witness to my will to make it legal.

Overall, the Smith County impossible hedge maze provides an experience you’ll never forget, because it’ll haunt your thoughts and consume your soul. The maze is open Thursdays-Saturdays through November, weather and paranormal investigations permitting.

Gary’s Event Rating:
Fun rating: 0/10 – You will die.
Value rating: 7/10 – You will die, but it’s still just $5.
Overall rating (not an average): 0/10 – You will die.

Gary’s Final Say:
I love you, Vanessa, and do not want you to remarry.