Colonizes the squat rack. Promptly cuts off the hands of the guy occupying it.

Claims both incline benches in the name of the Queen, who never actually shows up.

Vows to put up 800 lbs. at the leg press but only raises 200. Says “there was a storm on the return trip,” and winks at you like you’re supposed to know what that means.

Does his curls while standing over the dumbbell rack, making it virtually impossible for anyone else to use the free weights.

Brings terror, exploitation, and disease by playing P.O.D.’s “Youth of the Nation” on his cellphone.

Asks an indigenous employee where he “got that sweet T-shirt” and insists on being escorted to the very source of the merchandise. After negotiations go sour at the sales counter, he enslaves the staff.

Deliberately clangs his weights on the extensions of shoulder presses and talks very loudly about three girls he brought over from Portugal, to no one in particular.

Brags that he’s found the elliptical machine while smugly standing next to a treadmill. Stabs you in the stomach when you contradict him.

Is not wearing appropriate shoes.