Dear America,

My name is Mitch McConnell and I am the Majority Leader of the United States Senate. As you may have heard, the health care bill I secretly drafted would result in 22 million Americans losing their health care coverage. I understand your frustration with the bill, but you also have to understand my side of things. I’m in a serious bind here. I owe Thanatos, the God of Death, exactly 22 million human souls and he’s come to collect.

My relationship with the God of Death began as these things typically do: I met him at a Republican donor event. We bonded over our mutual love of back deals and being drunk with power. Before I knew it, I had agreed to trade 22 million human lives in exchange for a sizable donation to several GOP congressional candidates. I made a terrible deal from which I cannot be unbound.

Ah, jeeze. You’ve really done it this time, Mitchy. If this were one or two lives that I owed to the God of Death, I could close out my tab the old-fashioned way: by murdering a couple of my summer interns. But, this is 22 million lives we’re talking about. That’s a sizable portion of the country, so the only way I’m going to kill that many people is through cruel, heartless, and targeted legislation.

Look, I get it. I really wish I could present a reasonable, fiscally-conservative alternative to the Affordable Care Act. But, I promised a boat-load of lives to an angry, merciless demon-god of the underworld. That means I have to put forth a bill that’ll take healthcare away from poor people, disabled people, senior citizens, children, new mothers, and people hit hard by the opioid crisis. The streets must run red with blood for the pact to be complete. America shall be one big graveyard and then Thanatos will be pleased.

I wish there were another way, I really do. I’ve read many health care proposals from conservative think tanks that would provide a tax break to the wealthiest Americans while also providing coverage to those who need it. I could easily pass any of those bills with enough bipartisan support in the House and Senate. But, those bills won’t provide me with the death count I need to escape the grip of Thanatos and his sinister bargain. Boy, oh boy. What a pickle I am in.

So, I’d ask that you please cut me a break. Stop calling your senators about how bad this bill is. Please stop writing articles about it too. I cannot afford to postpone things again. Thanatos grows impatient with every moment. Let this evil piece of legislation go to a vote so I can lift the pox on my house.

Mitch McConnell
United States Senator, Obstructionist, Temporarily Bound to the God of Death