Hello Parents and Guardians of children in our upcoming summer camps!
To save on paper expenses, we’re doubling up our announcements for both camps. So if your little camper is going to PATRIOT BOOTCAMP in Muncie, Indiana, or A SOULFUL SESSION FOR SACRED ACTIVISM in Phoenicia, New York, please read on:
Hello and GOD BLESS to our incoming platoon of Patriots! We’ve got some Magnum Caliber Fun lined up for you this summer! This year’s theme is competition. Don’t get your heart set on a trophy, snowflake, there’s only one winner and everyone else is a loser, just like God and nature intended. This year we’ll gather ‘round the flag for some freedom-loving fun:
Wall Building Workshop
Get some hands-on job training and get ‘er done. We’ll lay bricks, string wire, plant fence posts, and learn all about the trade of keeping people out!
Old Testament Revival
Let’s face it, Jesus was a pussy. Sorry, we ain’t too PC to say it. Let’s get back to basics with the OLD TESTAMENT, which has all the good rules that Jesus got wrong. It’s still the word of God, so let’s use it, for Crissake!
We’re gonna dig, baby dig… for coal! It’s like an Easter Egg hunt, but for those sooty, black nuggets of job creation. Then we’ll burn them while watching Nascar and roasting hunks of beef pulled fresh from the feedlot and saturated with steroids! It’s an all-night party of the best food and fun that factory farming and fossil fuels can provide.
Troll a Libtard
Nothin’ tastes sweeter than the tears of a librul. In this tech-savvy class, we’ll teach you how to post comments guaranteed to make a lefty suppress their own vote. Whether it’s child slavery in pizza shops, or crisis actors, you’ll be turning your computers into the next best weapon since Samuel Colt dreamed up the .45.
SOULFUL SESSION FOR SACRED ACTIVISM
(formerly Social Justice Warrior School—we found the word “warrior”
too triggering* for some campers.)
*Please note, we no longer use the word “trigger” as it invokes firearms. Going forward, we will use “ouchspot.” The interim word, “painpoint” has been retired because “point” reminded some campers of swords.
NAMASTE, SACRED ACTIVISTS! We’re profoundly honored to share your soul journey by offering these funshops:
Forget the marshmallows! Let’s roast each other around the simulated zero-carbon emissions campfire! We’ll call each other out in a night of singing camp songs. Popular favorites include “Just Look At My Trust Fund,” “Private School Guilt,” and “I’m Nice to Waiters!”
Find Your Hurt
Just because we’re in the 1% doesn’t mean we’re not victims too. So many children in our community feel marginalized by their affluent status. It’s important to get in touch with the hurts that make us who we are. Having mean nannies, seeing angry people on the news, having to say hello to the doorman even when you don’t feel like it, and not having a heartbreaking story for a college essay are a form of oppression too, maybe the worst form.
Make A Ruckus
Every night, the bogeyman, and he is a man, a straight, white man, comes out of the woods to mansplain, manspread, and bropriate all your best ideas. Experience unity and the head rush of righteous indignation as we shout him down like a college professor and chase him across the quad.
We can’t wait to see you in our safe-space. Please leave the gender box blank on your forms, as we’re not using cabins this year. We’ll be sleeping solo in gender non-conforming uni-pods.
We look forward to seeing your patriots and activists in their respective camps. Please make sure your medical waivers are signed and up-to-date, even though nobody from either camp believes in vaccines any more, we still like to see you put that in writing!
Overnight Camps for Two Americas, Inc