Neo, this is your last chance. You take the blue pill—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill—you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. But you take the Ivermectin, and I honestly don’t know what it will do to you—but it certainly won’t cure COVID, it definitely won’t open your eyes to a new reality, and it probably will make you very sick.

Neo, I see your hand hovering over the Ivermectin. Why? Why are you thinking of taking a drug meant to treat worms in horses and cows? There are two other pills right in front of you, and I’m a lot more confident in both of them than the anti-parasitic drug for livestock that Fox News keeps promoting.

What will the blue and red pills do, exactly? Great question, Neo! The blue pill will send you back to a comforting—but false—reality. The red pill will show you the truth. But neither pill will cause a surge in calls to poison control, like the Ivermectin you keep looking at.

Stop looking at it.

Seriously, so many people have taken the blue and red pills. We’ve got a lot of data on them. But nobody who takes the Ivermectin feels good about it after.

I don’t even know why we have the Ivermectin here, honestly. Who brought this out? Trinity? Hey, Trinity, what’s up with the Ivermectin in my cool little pill carrying case? Why do I have this?

You know what? I don’t care how it got here, just take it away!

Dear God, Trinity, don’t “take it” like consume it! “Take it” like get it out of here!

No, I do not want it replaced with Hydroxychloroquine! Neither of those things have gone through peer-reviewed studies or trials! And neither of them have an effect on our lived reality like the blue and red pills in my hands that are the central point of this conversation and—you know what? Screw the pills. Trinity? Bring my other box.

Neo, I’m going to be honest about why you’re here. You may think you’re here because you’re seeking some higher truth about the world. But the real truth is that you are here because you are The One… The One who still hasn’t gotten vaccinated.

Here in my hands, I have two vaccines: Moderna and Pfizer. You take either one, and you help us get closer to an end to this pandemic. You take the Ivermectin, and, unless you’re a horse with worms, it won’t do anything for you except give you diarrhea and maybe make you sterile. The choice is yours.

Seriously, though, why is there Ivermectin in every one of these boxes?