Ep. 1 — Death is Like the Worst

Starring Selena Gomez as the old widow Fletcher, “Death Is Like The Worst” finds our heroine at a haunted Ace Hotel in Palm Springs for a mystery bloggers poolside conference. When a maid shows up dead in the water, the staff promptly remove the body and offer Jessica a complimentary round of shots for the trouble.

Ep. 2 — An Inconvenient Murder

As the clock strikes midnight in Jessica’s super-hip, super-age-and-income-appropriate condo in downtown Cabot Cove’s warehouse arts district, a blood-curdling scream erupts from the street below. Jessica reaches for her iPhone 6 to report the disturbance via her condo’s noise complaint app…but she can’t find her phone. Will she ever find her phone?

Ep. 3 — Murder On the Orient Express Shipping

After Jessica’s phone goes missing, she buys another phone online, and her doorman sends it up, but it really looks like a refurbished one and not a new one, like fingerprints everywhere all over the screen and, like, are those breath marks? Oh, and a note written in blood reading, “Help me escape, why do Americans hate us?” falls out of the box.

Ep. 4 — Sales So Good You’ll Just Die

When posing for a selfie with her long-lost friend Beatrix who showed up mysteriously with rain-soaked hair even though it hasn’t rained for days, Jessica drops her phone, breaking the screen, but she’s still mostly able to see it, so that’s okay. But a mysterious text message from a mysterious number arrives, telling her, “Your grandmother is dead. We really need you to come home this time.” And it really bums Jessica out, so she buys some driftwood salt and pepper shakers to make herself feel pretty again.

Ep. 5 — Murder In the First Edition
(Electronic Rights Only)

While shooting some very mysterious street style at New York’s Fashion Week, Jessica rekindles her romance with an alt-poet who promises to e-pub her newest chapbook, but when the alt-poet turns up dead in the Ace Hotel New York pool, Jessica must find a new e-publisher to release her chapbook.

Ep. 6 — Ugh, I’m So Tired of Murder

At the release party for Jessica’s newest mystery Tumblr—I Can Haz Murder?—Cabot Cove’s hottest artists show off their fantastic new street styles and painted skateboard decks. A mysterious woman appears, claiming to be one of Jessica’s long-lost nieces, but a quick Google search turns up results that she does this sort of shit all the time to get attention.

Ep. 7 — Deadly Sorry Not Sorry

Jessica uses her huge social media following to launch a shaming campaign against one of her mystery-author rivals for stealing her story idea, but when the rival shows up dead in the Ace Hotel Portland pool, Jessica’s fans turn on her and write hundreds of think pieces dissecting the feminism of her books until Jessica apologizes and pledges the proceeds from her next mystery web series to her friend’s Kickstarter to combat bullying and low self-esteem through traveling goddess retreats.

Ep. 8 — Whatever Happened to a
Good Old-Fashioned Poisoning?

When Jessica’s just minding her own business in her bikini by the Ace Hotel Los Angeles pool, a famous photographer stops by her beach chair just to say, “You should be a model.” Jessica thinks to herself how nice that was and then continues tanning. But her downer friend Melissa posts something about how many people are murdered by guns every year, and she blocks Melissa because she just don’t have time for that shit right now.

Ep. 9 — You Do You, Murder

When a wealthy Cabot Cove developer tries to build some fabulous condos on Native American land, Jessica immediately visits the condo’s website and puts a down payment on a corner unit. To celebrate, she puts on her favorite Indian headdress and heads to Coachella to stay at the Ace Hotel Palm Springs. Meanwhile, hundreds of Native children are left to toil in poverty with sub-standard schooling and a dangerous history of depression and addiction.