“… This is one of the toughest times we’ve had in quite a while. But one thing I know for sure: The last thing we need in the thick of so many challenges is some putz on LinkedIn wailing and whimpering, ‘Everyone’s gone! I want 2019 back!’” — Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, from his New York Times op-ed, which criticized another op-ed that claimed, “New York City is dead forever.”
This is Puddy.
When I got my first apartment in New Jersey in the hot summer of 1976, it smelled like trash and you couldn’t pump your own gas.
Thankfully, nothing has changed. High-five.
Are we part of New York? No. But it’s still a tough time. The Devils didn’t make the playoffs.
But one thing I know for sure: The last thing we need is a move-stealing grease monkey whining, “New York is great!” in a newspaper.
That’s bogus, man. Imagine trying to do an oil change with this guy by your side.
Listening to him go, “I told jokes and got rich — even though no one else can do that right now — but they shouldn’t leave New York.” That’s stupid. You’re stupid.
I know people who have left New Jersey for Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens. I have been to all of these places many, many, many times over many decades. You gotta be kiddin’ me. They don’t even have Wawa.
He says New York City isn’t going anywhere. How the hell do you know that? You moved to L.A. and have a multi-million-dollar home in the Hamptons. But I will never abandon New Jersey. Gotta support the state.
And I’ve had your pizza quite a few times. It’s bad. Yeah, that’s right. Bad. It’s no Angelo’s. Or Tony D’s. Or Big John’s. Or Tony M’s. Or Mario’s. Or Tony G’s. Or Big Tony’s.
There’s some other stupid thing in the article about Silicon Valley and how great it is. Guess what: Everyone hates Silicon Valley. Yeah, that’s right.
You know what can’t be remote? High-fives. Don’t leave me hanging.
You ever wonder why New York even exists? I have always wondered, Why do these people all live and work in that location? Because it’s close to New Jersey, that’s why.
Real, live, energy exists in crazy places like New Jersey. Feeling sorry for yourself because you’re in jail for punching a dude who was looking at your girl is the essential element of character that made New Jersey the roadside corn stand of activity it will one day be again.
People love New Jersey. You should take the Parkway to the Shore. Great place to make out.
You found a place on “Long Island”? Fine. Imagine knowing a guy there who will give you an insider’s deal and won’t charge you rust-proofing or undercoating. Why not Toms River? It’s only an hour forty-five from Penn. Do you think Piscataway is going away? Harrison? Paramus? Hackensack? East Brunswick? West Orange? Parsippany? Secaucus? Paterson?
Because the greatness that is New Jersey is rare. Have you ever been on 46 and needed to make a left so you go to the right to take the jughandle?
It’s unknown. Unknown anyplace outside of New Jersey.
You say New York will bounce back this time. But what about New Jersey? How many times have we been punched so hard that we hit the pavement face-first and got right back up only to be punched again just this week?
This virus will someday go to hell. I’m not going to hell. But the virus is.
We’re going to keep going with New Jersey. And if you leave, we’re through. History.
Because of all the real, tough New Jerseyans who, like me, loved it and understood it, stayed and replaced its carburetors, it will bounce back. But that’s not my problem. I’m not the one who doesn’t live in New Jersey.
See you at Arby’s.