McSweeney’s Internet Tendency’s 15th Most-Read Article of 2016
FROM: Richard Bischoff
SUBJECT: In Regards to Our Company’s New Phone Plan
We all have a lot of work to do if we want to get this company to be the best in the world, and I believe that if we work together, we can accomplish just that. However, I do have a message for those of you who have been complaining about our new company phone plan the past few days: Now is not the time to criticize the Galaxy Note 7.
Now, I’m not going to stand here and pretend like this phone doesn’t have problems. After all, the proof that it gets overheated and explodes for practically no reason at all has been evident for months, but now, we need to focus on its positive aspects and wipe the slate clean. It is our company phone now, and there’s no use complaining about it anymore.
After all, it’s not like we didn’t lay out other options! We gave you the choice between the Galaxy Note 7 and the new iPhone, and this is what we came out with. In fact, the iPhone 7 isn’t perfect either! It has no headphone jack and doesn’t handle email accounts the exact way some of you wanted it to. For some, that was just as — if not more — important than the Galaxy Note 7 exploding with enough frequency that scientists, officials, and even the people at the store, implored us not to buy it. So, when the time came to vote, it’s understandable that we’d be almost evenly split on which to choose.
Here’s the thing though, we did choose, and you should all stop protesting against it. Yes, more of you voted for the iPhone, but you also seem to forget that the mail room staff liked how the Galaxy Note 7 has such fun games, and their votes count more. That’s the system that we have always used, that’s the system we will always use. Get used to it.
Now, some of you are complaining that you don’t feel safe working with a phone that could randomly explode on any given day. That the people in the mail room — while their love of games is valid — do not rely on these phones in the same way you do. That they do not have to raise the phone to the side of their head every morning and pray that it doesn’t catch fire and kill them. That the Galaxy Note 7 should have been disqualified from consideration due to the many examples of it being so incredibly dangerous. To those people I say, please stop whining, because getting Samsung to improve their phones to work for everyone seems incredibly inconvenient.
Look, we signed a contract. This is going to be our company phone for the next four years, and you’re going to have to get used to it. I’d consider it a great service to your company if you just accept that, and stop sending me emails about how you’re worried, or how we should put in the effort to make the phone better and less harmful for the people who are clearly most at risk using it. After all, the mail room staff put up with the last iPhone plan, and all they did was refuse to deliver the mail for four years.