Well, gang, it’s been a fun eleven months, what with the secret sex and all, but it’s that time of the year again. The snow is a-fallin’ and the Christmas tunes are a-playin’. It’s time once again to re-convert our secret sex clubhouse back into a Christmas tree shop.

I know this is everyone’s least favorite time of the year. We have so much fun having sex January through November that we almost forget we have to sell Christmas trees for a month. I know it’s a drag — work sucks!! But we do have to pay rent on this building in order to keep it year-round, and I think selling Christmas trees for a couple weeks is a pretty easy way to earn the money that we need to rent out the physical space we have sex in all year.

We open for business next week. Tomorrow we bring the sex swings and bondage benches back down to the basement and put up the trees. I see some of you are tearing up already. This is indeed a bittersweet time — like having a blast at camp all summer, and then having to go right back to school when it’s all over. Listen, guys — and I give this same speech every year — even though we don’t have a secret sex clubhouse for a month, we’re still a secret sex club. If one of you wants to take the initiative and organize secret sex meetings somewhere else after business hours, by all means, go for it. Personally, I think we should spend the Holiday season with our families, but I won’t judge anyone for anything. Some of you have brought up the possibility of just having sex in the Christmas tree shop at night after we close. Absolutely not. This is a legitimate business one month out of the year and we need to be more professional than that. If you have sex in the Christmas tree shop you will be banned from the sex club, as well as fired from your position at the Christmas tree shop.

It is mandatory that all members of the sex club help out running the Christmas tree shop in December. We need cashiers, managers, salespeople, stockers, the whole works. We also need a Santa for our in-store “Meet Santa” day. None of these jobs are especially exciting and they don’t pay well, but try to remind yourself that in less than a month we’ll be a sex club again and you won’t have to think about selling Christmas trees for a whole year.

For those of you who are too new to the group to remember, we’re a lot better off now than we used to be. When we first started the sex club we had to sell Christmas trees in December and Halloween costumes in October to make enough money to keep the lights on — or should I say off? Haha. Anyway, as of two years ago, we started making enough money to only have to be a business for one month out of the year. We went with December, because we all unanimously agreed we’re hornier in October. There’s just something about autumn, am I right, guys?

Thank you all in advance for your cooperation and hard work. Let’s be the best Christmas tree store we can be. The Holidays will be over before you know it and then it’s back to business, baby!